Joshua LaBello

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Not So Intelligent Design'

2011-09-07T09:31:00.000-04:00

CLIENT:
"Hey... thanks for scheduling this appointment on a Sunday... I know it's your day off."

LaBELLO:
"No worries... this'll just take a few hours and then I can get back to family time."

CLIENT:
"Yeah... if I coulda come any other time, I woulda... but I gotta admit... I'm lovin' that I have an excuse to skip Church today!"

LaBELLO:
"I'm tattooing a Bible verse on you, and you WANT to skip Church?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah... just a buncha hooey, y'know? I mean, I believe in God... obviously... and creationism, intelligent design and all that..."

LaBELLO:
"Oh?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah... that Evolution stuff is bull$#!&."

LaBELLO:
"Bull$#!&?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah... I don't believe in that at all."

LaBELLO:
"Huh? Even the Pope recognizes Evolution as fact."

CLIENT:
"Wha!? NO HE DOESN'T! There's no way!!!"

LaBELLO:
"Yep... look it up."

CLIENT:
"There is only ONE God who MADE the HEAVEN and EARTH... he knows ALL, sees ALL, created ALL..."

LaBELLO:
"Well, Jeeee-zuuuuus... don't get your panties in a wad..."

CLIENT:
"Sorry... I just feel really strongly about my faith, y'know?"

LaBELLO:
"But... not strong enough to go to Church today?"

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"It's just boring, y'know?"

LaBELLO:
"I thought God was a jealous God? Doesn't he WANT you to go to Church? Give money, and all that?"

CLIENT:
"Well... I mean, yeah, but..."

LaBELLO:
"So you're like, defying God right now..."

CLIENT:
"I wouldn't say def..."

LaBELLO:
"You are SPITTING in the face of YOUR creator RIGHT NOW... right?"

CLIENT:
"Well, no, I mean..."

LaBELLO:
"You're like... a tool of the Devil, or something."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"That's not funny."

LaBELLO:
"It's kinda funny."

CLIENT:
"I..."

LaBELLO:
"... yes?"

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"FREE WILL!"

LaBELLO:
"Wha!?"

CLIENT:
"We have FREE WILL! He gave us free will so we can make our own mistakes and learn from them!"

LaBELLO:
"But... I thought you said God knows ALL and made ALL???"

CLIENT:
"He DID! He is everywhere at once and knows everything and what will be... he is the great architect and made everything the way he wants it to be!"

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"OW!!! WHY'D YOU DO THAT!?!?"

LaBELLO:
"Do what?"

CLIENT:
"What do you mean, 'WHAT'!? You just PUNCHED me in the shoulder!!! My whole damned arm is numb now!"

LaBELLO:
"Oh... that."

CLIENT:
"Yeah, THAT! Why'd you do that???"

LaBELLO:
"I didn't. God did."

CLIENT:
"WHA!? I just watched you do it!"

LaBELLO:
"Yes, but you said God knows all... so HE must have known I was going to do it... and approved. And you said God MADE all... so HE must have planned for me to do it... so... I don't know why you're yelling at me. Go yell at God... in Church... next Sunday."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"There's somethin' wrong with you."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Impulsible'

2011-09-06T15:30:00.000-04:00

CLIENT:"Hi... what's your shop minimum?"

LaBELLO:
"Shop minimum? What are you wanting to get?"

CLIENT:
"I don't know... just... somethin', y'know?"

LaBELLO:
"Somethin' like what? What are your ideas?"

CLIENT:
"I don't know, really... just... I don't know... I just want a little somethin'... I have $100 and I was wanting to get somethin' simple... like a tribal... like, from here... to here... what can we do for that?"

LaBELLO:
"Well, a tribal from the top of your shoulder to here, past your elbow is going to be more than a hundred dollars."

CLIENT:
"Really?"

LaBELLO:
"Um... yeah... really."

CLIENT:
"Wha... like $200?"

LaBELLO:
"No... not like $200... here, look, it's... thirteen inches by... about six inches... and probably around three and a half to four hours of work... not $200."

CLIENT:
"Shoot... I got this big'n right here for $125! At another shop!"

LaBELLO:
"THAT was done at a shop!? No way, man... that looks homemade."

CLIENT:
"It was too! It was a real shop! Professionals and ev'rythin'!"

LaBELLO:
"And you... you like THAT tattoo, do ya?"

CLIENT:
"Hell yeah! They done a good job... for the money... y'know..."

LaBELLO:
"Uh huh. So why aren't you over there right now getting this one done?"

CLIENT:
"Cause they's too 'spensive! They wanted dern near $350 to do this'ere tribal!"

LaBELLO:
"Even $350 is half of what a tattoo that size should cost. If any place is charging wildly cheap prices, then you can be sure they're cutting corners SOMEWHERE - and usually, that means they're cutting corners in the area of cleanliness... which is... scary."

CLIENT:
"Nahhhh... they're clean! I seen'em open the new needles."

LaBELLO:
"Did you see them clean the area before you sat down? Or between clients? Did you see them use gloves and wash their hands before each procedure? Did you see them barrier all their machines and cords and area with plastic for each procedure? Does their place look as clean as this shop?"

CLIENT:
"Heh... no shop looks as clean as this'n... heh heh..."

LaBELLO:
"Look... I want you to get what you want, I really do, but you get what you pay for in the tattoo industry. I do have a few options for you..."

CLIENT:
"Like what?"

LaBELLO:
"Well... we could line out - just the outlines - as much of your tribal as I can for how much you're able to spend today... and then you can fill it in or add to it at your leisure - when you can afford it... OR you can just do a sortof layaway... bring me money every paycheck, I'll give you receipts... and when you have enough built up, we'll get to work!"

CLIENT:
"Wow... you can do that? Like a layaway?"

LaBELLO:
"Yep. I want you to get what you want... and I want you to get something that I'm as proud to say is mine as you are to say is yours... know what I mean?"

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"But what could I get for $100?"

LaBELLO:
"Hhhhhh.... what do you WANT to get?"

CLIENT:
"Hmmm... I don't know..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"I really like... tribals..."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Garbage In, Garbage Out'

2011-09-03T10:46:00.000-04:00

CLIENT:
"Can I show you a tattoo I got yesterday? It looks SO awful. I went to a different shop and they jacked it up BAD. I should have come here first."

LaBELLO:
"Hmm... let's see... ah... what is it supposed to be?"

CLIENT:
"It's supposed to be these two words, here, I have it on my phone... see? It's supposed to look like this:"

LaBELLO:
"Oh... ew..."

CLIENT:
"I KNOW! You can't even tell what these words are!!! The dude redrew the font and it looked a little different, but not terrible, so I said 'okay'. But he screwed it all up and didn't follow the lines or something... I guess he's just not good at lettering?"

LaBELLO:
"Nah... that's no excuse. Lettering, tribals, stars, butterflies... they're ALL just lines and shapes. All the same skill... and... what's THIS and THIS for?"

CLIENT:
"Those are, I don't know... stray lines or something? I don't know why they're there... just like random marks he added by accident I guess?"

LaBELLO:
"I am really really sorry that you had a bad experience with a tattoo... I hate that you have to go through this... It makes the entire industry look bad when one shop attempts things they shouldn't."

CLIENT:
"Can you fix them?"

LaBELLO:
"Yes. This is going to be a difficult one, but I have some ideas about how we can smooth out the flaws in the lettering and do some strategic shading to hide these blowouts and these mysterious random lines."

CLIENT:
"Oh... thank you so much!!! When he was done and I looked at it, I told him it looked terrible! And you know what he said???"

LaBELLO:
"What?"

CLIENT:
"He said 'there's nothing I can do about it'... can you believe that? 'Nothing I can do about it'... I guess the owner said he'd try to fix it for me, but the owner is who TAUGHT the guy who did it, y'know? So, I don't want HIM touching me either... right?"

LaBELLO:
"Yeah... garbage in, garbage out..."

CLIENT:
"Exactly!"

LaBELLO:
"Well, don't worry about it right now... you need to let it finish healing before I can work on it anyway..."

CLIENT:
"Yeah, it's all getting puffy right now."

LaBELLO:
"Yeah... let's just let it heal and then see what it looks like, and go from there."

CLIENT:
"Uhg... this sucks so bad... I even got on Facebook after I got it and posted about how they screwed up my tattoo... and I got like three responses that said I should have come to see YOU instead."

LaBELLO:
"Ha! That's pretty cool..."

CLIENT:
"And you know what else?"

LaBELLO:
"What?"

CLIENT:
"When I complained after it was finished, they just gave me a $20 discount."

LaBELLO:
"You... still had to pay for THAT!?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah... they made me feel guilty, I guess... a $20 discount and 'there's nothing I can do about that'."

LaBELLO:
"Well, the moral of the story should be that you need to check out the artist's work and ask some good questions... because a bad artist can even screw up a no-brainer like tracing a word on you."

CLIENT:
"Fo sho!"

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Pro'lly Hurt'

2011-08-30T19:07:00.000-04:00

LaBELLO:"Hi... what's going on?"

CLIENT:
"Hi... I want a tattoo."

LaBELLO:
"You're in luck... I think we have one left. What are you looking to get?"

CLIENT:
"Hmmm... I'm not sure... actually, I have no idea at all..."

LaBELLO:
"Do you know WHERE you want it?"

CLIENT:
"Um... where will it hurt the least?"

LaBELLO:
"Don't worry about that... pain is not something that should be important when choosing what image you want to wear for life. Besides, my tattoos don't hurt."

CLIENT:
"Does the shoulder hurt? It seems like the shoulder would really hurt... is it sensitive there?"

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"... or maybe on my wrist... does it hurt there? Seems like it would hurt there... right? It does, right?"

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"... I've always wanted one on my foot, but my friend has one there and she said it was EXCRUCIATING!"

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"... but I work with this girl... Teena... and she said HER foot tattoo was like, nothing, y'know? Like she was texting the whole time..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"... oh and what about the ankle? It's like all bone, right? Does it hurt there? I bet it does... it's right there next to the foot... or up on the calf... that should be less painful than the foot, right? I had a cramp in my calf once, from running or something... will it feel like that? Will a tattoo feel worse than a cramp?"

LaBELLO:
"... I sa..."

CLIENT:
"... gahhh... maybe I should call my girlfriend and ask her where to get it... she has a tattoo, so she'll have good advice for me, pro'lly..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"... ooohhhh... what do you think?"

LaBELLO:
"I'm going to guarantee, right now, right here, that WHEREVER you get it, it will HURT... a LOT."

CLIENT:
". . ."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Told Ya So'

2011-08-26T09:43:00.000-04:00

CLIENT:
"Hey... man... how's it going?"

LaBELLO:
"Hey there! Where'd you go? I gave you a price last week, you said you were going to the ATM and would be right back and then I never saw you again... what happened?"

CLIENT:
"Well... and I'm real sorry about that, man... don't be mad at me, but... you said that tattoo I wanted would be like $300..."

LaBELLO:
"Yeah... custom-drawn piece, probably 2 - 2 1/2 hours of work, full color... and?"

CLIENT:
"Well... it was just a lot of money for that, I thought, you know?"

LaBELLO:
"If you think that's too much for that tattoo, then you don't know what professional tattoos cost. I don't just slap a design on people and send them on their way. I take time to listen to the client, get into their head and see why they want the design they want, so I can be as excited about doing it as they are about getting it... y'know, like I did with you... right?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah..."

LaBELLO:
"Right? We talked for a while, talked about why you wanted this tattoo, talked about all your different ideas for the tattoo... I spent time really getting to know you, I thought."

CLIENT:
"You did, you did... yes... but... I just thought, and don't be mad at me..."

LaBELLO:
"Oh, I'm not mad."

CLIENT:
"... I just thought I could maybe get it cheaper... somewhere else... 'cause remember, I told ya that I got this'n here on my other leg for only $100..."

LaBELLO:
"Yeah... the one that you said you'd like to get touched up because it looks terrible, according to you? Yeah."

CLIENT:
"I already got the tattoo. I went... here, I'll just show you."

LaBELLO:
"Mm."

CLIENT:
"I know... I know... it looks like total $#!&... I know... but it was only $125!"

LaBELLO:
"Well, if you're happy with the work for the price, then more power to ya."

CLIENT:
"I'm not! I want to cover it up! As soon as possible! Can you come up with some kind of custom thing? One of your own designs to cover it?"

LaBELLO:
"Of course, but we'll have to wait until it is healed to work over it."

CLIENT:
"I'm so embarrassed... I don't even want to tell you where I got it done..."

LaBELLO:
"Oh, I recognize the work... how long did it take?"

CLIENT:
"Like 30 or 35 minutes, tops."

LaBELLO:
"Jeez."

CLIENT:
"I know, I know... you told me: you get what you pay for in the tattoo industry... I know... this just looks terrible! It looks like a coloring book... like a badly-drawn coloring book!"

LaBELLO:
"Well... I can help you out... we'll think of something together to cover it with."

CLIENT:
"Thanks, man."

LaBELLO:
"But, let me ask you... why did you go with this design? You were so keen on getting something that no one else has... you wanted something custom. I mean, here, look at what I designed for you next to your tattoo..."

CLIENT:
"Oh... it... I don't know... I thought this WAS a custom design... I mean, he went in back and drew it up for me... he sure did draw it fast though... really fast."

LaBELLO:
"Yeah... he traced it. He didn't draw it. Believe it or not, most tattoo artists can't draw very well at all. Most of them LIKE to draw, and that's... nice... but there is a massive difference between someone who likes to draw and, well, me. That's why people come to ME when they want something original or when they just want something professional. THAT is a very common piece of flash art - just take a walk through Wal*Mart... you'll see it on someone, I guarantee."

CLIENT:
"You are my man, from now on... I will not go ANYWHERE else anymore!"

LaBELLO:
"Cool."

CLIENT:
"How much do you think it'll cost?"

LaBELLO:
"We'll have to get the design together before I can give you an accurate price, but this one will have to be bigger to cover that fresh dark 'coloring book' tattoo... I'm guessing around $450 - $500."

CLIENT:
"Wha!?!?!? But, but, but, but, he said he'd do it for $300!"

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Stoopid Stoopid Stoopid'

2011-08-24T18:42:00.000-04:00

WOMAN:
"Hi... do you sell equipment... like, needles and inks and stuff?"

LaBELLO:
"No. Not ever. Tattooing out of your house is illegal, dangerous, and stupid."

WOMAN:
". . ."

DAUGHTER:
"Illegal!? Even if you just do it on yourself???"

LaBELLO:
"Just on yourself? Come on... who do you think you're talking to? You don't JUST do it on yourself, do you."

DAUGHTER:
". . ."

WOMAN:
"I had no idea it was illegal... wow... no idea..."

LaBELLO:
"No? Did you know that doing abortions out of your house is illegal? Even if you ONLY do them on yourself?"

DAUGHTER:
". . ."

WOMAN:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"... how would THIS procedure be any different?"

WOMAN:
"I never thought about it like that..."

LaBELLO:
"Recently, there were something like 50 reported cases of MRSA in a neighboring County because of idiots tattooing out of their houses... do you know what MRSA is?"

WOMAN:
"Uh huh."

DAUGHTER:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"You... don't really know what it is... do you."

WOMAN:
"No... well, kinda... but... no."

LaBELLO:
"Do you know what a Staph infection is?"

DAUGHTER:
". . ."

WOMAN:
"Yeah... I know what that is."

LaBELLO:
"Well, MRSA is a Staph infection that NEVER EVER goes away."

WOMAN:
"Oh man... ew... that is scary... I had no idea..."

DAUGHTER:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"Two people doing tattoos out of their houses were arrested... and both of the shops in that town were shut down by the Health Department until they could clean their shops back up to standard..."

WOMAN:
". . ."

DAUGHTER:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"Not to mention that people who tattoo out of their houses are just... terrible at it... always... just terrible... they have no proper technique, their work is just horrible horrible horrible... like prison tatts... and when people walk around with horrible artwork on them, it gives the impression to laymen that tattoos look horrible... MY tattoos do NOT look horrible... my PROFESSIONAL tattoos are gorgeous works of art."

WOMAN:
"My gosh... that really makes me think twice about doing it..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

WOMAN:
". . ."

DAUGHTER:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"Think... twice!?"

WOMAN:
". . ."

DAUGHTER:
"I still don't see what the big deal is."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

WOMAN:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"I think you should start doing abortions out of your house... also, you should be on the lookout for a time machine."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Brother, Come Back'

2011-08-22T11:59:00.000-04:00

LaBELLO:
"So, were you in the military?"

CLIENT:
"F*@# no... I hate all that Uncle Sam baloney. This is to honor my little brother. We never got along too good, you know... he was my half-brother anyway..."

LaBELLO:
"Half, full, a brother is a brother, right?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah... took me a long time to understand that though. See... it's because I didn't get along with my step father... that's really the only reason my brother and I ever had problems... I left when I was 17 and never really spent much time with him... I never really tried very hard, you know... I'm kinda... stubborn."

LaBELLO:
"Yeah... I have all kinds of sisters and brothers... we're all grown and on our own paths... sometimes it's hard to catch up with them and I know I don't do a very good job of keeping up with them on my end..."

CLIENT:
"Yeah..."

LaBELLO:
"... and then I'm mad when they don't get back with ME... heh heh..."

CLIENT:
"Heh... My brother grew up without me even noticing... and it seemed so sudden to me when I heard that he was in the military... and that he was at war over there. It really freaked me out, y'know? Like, one day I'm thinking to myself, reflecting, and thinking 'I should hang out with my brother sometime... get to know him... it's time we did that'... and then I realize that he's not even here... he's at war. And I started panicking... freaking out that he might not even come back... a lot of guys' little brothers don't come back... what if my..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"... f*@#..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"He got... there was this car bomb or something... some explosive attached to a car... one of those suicide dudes rammed it into their jeep..."

LaBELLO:
"Oh... wow... I'm sorry..."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"... here... let me get you a tissue..."

CLIENT:
"Tissue!? F*@# OFF! These are tears of joy - you don't wipe away tears of joy."

LaBELLO:
"Joy?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah... he's coming back... I just heard this morning... he's okay... and he's coming back... and... he wants to see me."

LaBELLO:
"Your brother... wow..."

CLIENT:
"He's here... and he wants to see me!"

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Psychilogist'

2011-08-19T13:09:00.001-04:00

MAN:
"Can you tattoo over scars?"

LaBELLO:
"Let's see..."

MAN:
"Yeah... I used to have a problem with drugs... got depressed... cut myself..."

LaBELLO:
"The scars are old enough that they're soft now... I can tattoo over them, but you need to know two things about tattooing over scars..."

MAN:
"What?"

LaBELLO:
"First of all, it usually hurts... you do a lot of skin and nerve rearranging when you cut yourself and it heals back together..."

MAN:
"Right... right... no problem, I have a high pain tolerance..."

LaBELLO:
"...secondly, it is difficult to get ink into the unpredictable skin grain of a scar... we will likely have to do a touch-up after it's healed really well."

MAN:
"Ah... that's cool... no problem."

LaBELLO:
"So, what design did you want to do?"

MAN:
"I want you to design... like, a brain... on fire."

LaBELLO:
"That... sounds pretty cool, actually... I could have a lot of fun with that design."

MAN:
"Yeah... cool... see, I'm turning my life around... I'm going back to school now... want to get my degree."

LaBELLO:
"Very cool. What are you studying?"

MAN:
"I want to be a psychilogist."

LaBELLO:
"... I don't think that's a wor..."

MAN:
"Yeah... that's why I want the brain... because I'll be working on the brain, y'know? Like... someone'll ask me 'hey, what do you do?' and, like, I can just show them my brain tattoo and say like, 'there it is... that's what I do... brains... I work on brains'... 'cause I'll be a psychilogist... huh huh..."

LaBELLO:
"Psychilogist isn't a wor..."

MAN:
"Yeah... I really want to help people, y'know? I think I can do that... I can help people... only problem is, I need to cover these scars... I don't think people will respond well to a psychilogist with cut marks on his wrist, y'know?"

LaBELLO:
"But..."

MAN:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"You have tattoos ALL OVER your arms..."

MAN:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"... like... really BAD tattoos... all over your arms and hands... your cut scars are really the LEAST visible 'scars' you have..."

MAN:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"... just sayin'... we should really think about some cover-ups for some of the homemade ink you're sporting."

MAN:
"Yeah... I agree... it's just funny..."

LaBELLO:
"What is?"

MAN:
"I don't know... it's just... I look at my arms every day... several times a day, in fact... and the only thing I see are these marks I made with a kitchen knife."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

MAN:
"No worries though! It'll all make sense just as soon as I become a psychilogist!"

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Piercing Guns are the Devil'

2011-08-17T10:49:00.000-04:00

CLIENT:
"Hi... do you do ear piercings?"

LaBELLO:
"Absolutely!"

CLIENT:
"Cool - I want another hole here on my left ear... it doesn't hurt, does it? You just shoot it with the little gun-thingy, right?"

LaBELLO:
"Oh, no... we don't use a gun - only places like Wal*Mart and the mall use the gun... we're professional piercers, so we only use needles to pierce with."

CLIENT:
"But... a needle, that sounds scary... isn't the gun better?"

LaBELLO:
"Hell no. The gun they use forces a blunt stud through your ear... it destroys the tissue, shatters cartilage... takes way longer to heal than when we use a needle. See, the needle has a really sharp beveled edge that goes through nice and clean... and the jewelry rides through with the needle... yeah, we don't ever use a gun - and most tattoo/piercing shops these days know not to use a gun."

CLIENT:
"Ah... I didn't know that."

LaBELLO:
"Yeah... not to mention that we have to learn the medical side of things, about blood borne pathogens, first aid, that sort of stuff... and the mall worker doesn't learn any of that... next time you watch one of them do a piercing, notice how they'll touch the counter, touch the ear, touch the gun, and so on... incredibly unsanitary and potentially disease-spreading."

CLIENT:
"I had my daughter's ears pierced recently... I'm freaking out..."

LaBELLO:
"Sorry, sorry, didn't mean to make you panic... just wanted to educate you... those guns and the kids with one day training who use them freak ME out... seriously though, don't let anyone you know get pierced with a gun..."

CLIENT:
"Never again!"

LaBELLO:
"Cool... if you're ready to do yours, that'll be $40."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"But... it's only $15 or $20 at Wal*Mart, isn't it?"

LaBELLO:
"... I don't know... I've never checked their prices... but what does it matter what they charge? How much is the risk worth to you?"

CLIENT:
"Hmmm..."

LaBELLO:
"Do you see how incredibly clean and open this shop is? "

CLIENT:
"Yeah... that's why I came in here, actually..."

LaBELLO:
"Yeah... THIS is the professional shop where everyone comes to ask questions when they have problems with the DISCOUNT tattoos and DISCOUNT piercings that some other shop or house scratcher did..."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"... because EVERYONE knows that WE know what we're doing..."

CLIENT:
"Yeah... I, uh... yeah, I have to... um... go to the ATM..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"... I'll be right back..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Star Track'

2011-08-15T06:00:00.000-04:00

LaBELLO:
"Cool shirt."

CLIENT:
"Thanks! I'm a huge scifi fan... especially 'Firefly'."

LaBELLO:
"I loved that show! Can't believe it got canceled... what can I do for you today?"

CLIENT:
"I'd like to get some stars... here... and here... to cover up these marks on my arms."

LaBELLO:
"Oh. They seem to be healed, so it should be okay... can I ask... how long have you been sober?"

CLIENT:
"Eight months now..."

LaBELLO:
"Ah... and... are you going to STAY sober?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah... I'm in a program now... I'm doing really good, but it's time to cover these... I don't want to see them anymore... don't want my daughter to see them..."

LaBELLO:
"Good... wouldn't want you poking holes in my beautiful artwork either."

CLIENT:
"I won't, heh... how long do you think it will take? I want to tell my ride when to pick me up."

LaBELLO:
"Around thirty minutes for this, I think."

CLIENT:
"Okay... I'll just go out and tell her."

LaBELLO:
"Cool. I'll get the stencils ready and get set up. Come on back when you're ready."

CLIENT:
"Okay... I'm ready... but I'm SO nervous!"

LaBELLO:
"Don't be nervous - we're getting you past something here... taking a step... right?"

CLIENT:
"I know, I know... it's just that... well..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"... I'm afraid of needles."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Creepy Cross'

2011-08-12T09:50:00.000-04:00

LaBELLO:
"Hello... how can I help you?"

CLIENT:
"I heard you were the guy to go to if you want a unique design..."

LaBELLO:
"Oh, yeah?"

CLIENT:
"Yep. I have several friends with LaBello art on them... really cool pieces."

LaBELLO:
"Thanks! So, what can I design for you today?"

CLIENT:
"I was wanting a cross... with my kids' names all around it..."

LaBELLO:
"Okay... maybe put their names in a ribbon or something?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah, yeah... that sounds good!"

LaBELLO:
"How many kids are there?"

CLIENT:
"Four... also, I'd like it to say, 'In loving memory - They're in God's hands now'."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"Can you add that?"

LaBELLO:
"Yeah... that wouldn't be a problem, but... are these kids... I mean... all of them... have they passed on?"

CLIENT:
"What? NO! Why would you ask that!?"

LaBELLO:
"No? Oh... then that's kinda..."

CLIENT:
"Is it too many words?"

LaBELLO:
"No, it's not that... it's just... creepy. No offense. But it sounds like a memorial tattoo, you know?"

CLIENT:
"Oh."

LaBELLO:
"Yeah... you see?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah, yeah... I see what you mean... so... how about just 'In loving memory' then?"

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Can't Live With Them...'

2011-08-10T10:30:00.002-04:00

LaBELLO:
"You want matching tattoos?"

CLIENT'S GIRLFRIEND:
"Yeah... something cute."

CLIENT:
"OOH, honey, how about THIS?"

CLIENT'S GF:
"I am NOT getting a SKULL."

CLIENT:
"Hee hee hee."

LaBELLO:
"Any ideas about what you want?"

CLIENT'S GF:
"Hmmm.... not really, but... we just want something... it doesn't have to be in the same place or even have the same colors, but something matching, y'know? This is really important to both of us."

CLIENT:
"How about a four-leaf clover... on fire."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
". . ."

CLIENT'S GF:
"That's kinda cool... but I don't know if I want THAT to remind me of you."

LaBELLO:
"OH... I just... noticed that you are..."

CLIENT'S GF:
"Yeah?"

LaBELLO:
"... you know... you're... um..."

CLIENT'S GF:
"I'm what?"

LaBELLO:
"Let's see... Okay, hey, are you two married?"

CLIENT'S GF:
"Nope."

LaBELLO:
"Do you have any kids?"

CLIENT'S GF:
"Heh... just THIS one... on the way..."

LaBELLO:
"Pregnant. Yeah, you can't get tattooed."

CLIENT'S GF:
"Wha!? I thought I could!"

CLIENT:
"Told ya!"

LaBELLO:
"No, you can't get tattooed when you're pregnant... sorry."

CLIENT'S GF:
"Come on... we won't tell anyone..."

LaBELLO:
"Yeah... no. I'm not going to do it."

CLIENT'S GF:
"Aw... but we wanted to get matching tattoos... this was the last day we could do it too... it was so important to us to get them together, y'know?"

CLIENT:
"Ooh! This is it! I want this right here!"

CLIENT'S GF:
"You... what!? You're still getting a tattoo??? Even though I can't get anything???"

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT'S GF:
"I'm going outside to smoke!"

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"I don't know why she's so damned upset... I TOLD her I was wan't'n to get a tattoo!"

LaBELLO:
"She said something about wanting the tattoo to 'remember' you or something?"

CLIENT:
"Oh... yeah... 'cause I'm going away tomorrow."

LaBELLO:
"Away?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah... I have to do one and a half years for trafficking narcotics..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"Yeah... I don't know what her problem is either."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Rolling Stone Wannabe'

2011-08-08T11:10:00.000-04:00

CLIENT:
"HEY, HONEY... COME SEE THIS!"

LaBELLO:
"She doesn't want to watch, eh?"

CLIENT:
"Bahh... she's a little mad at me right now... HONEY - COME SEE WHAT HE'S DOIN'!"

LaBELLO:
"Oh yeah?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah... I'm about to get caught up in some stuff... but for now, she's lookin' in all the wrong places... heh heh..."

LaBELLO:
"What did you do?"

CLIENT:
"I took off on my Harley with the guys for a few days... HONEY... WHY DON'T YA COME WATCH!"

LaBELLO:
"She doesn't go with you when you go riding?"

CLIENT:
"Hell no... she's scared to death... she HATES my motorcycle... and she makes me a nervous wreck when she rides with me - freaking out and carrying on the whole time... HONEY... WHATCHYA DOIN' OUT THERE? WHY DON'T YA COME WATCH."

LaBELLO:
"I don't think she's interested in watching."

CLIENT:
"Hey... check out this hottie on my phone..."

LaBELLO:
"What? Oh... wait, what?"

CLIENT:
"Heh heh heh... yeah... that was last night at the biker bar... that's my Harley the chick is sittin' on! She's hot, right? Can ya blame me? Heh heh..."

LaBELLO:
"THAT is a cry for help."

CLIENT:
"HEY, HONEY! DON'T YA WANNA WATCH?"

LaBELLO:
"So... let me ask you something..."

CLIENT:
"Sure!"

LaBELLO:
"You're doing everything you can to be an idiot..."

CLIENT:
"HUH!?"

LaBELLO:
"... You're playing the part of neglectful husband, and in such an incredibly reckless way that is CERTAIN to blow up in your face and really really hurt your wife and, by the way, ruin your reputation along the way..."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"So... my question is... what the $&@# is wrong with you?"

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"... I just... want her to come watch me... y'know?"

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Native 'merican'

2011-08-05T14:17:00.000-04:00

CLIENT:
"Eh... what does this mean?"

LaBELLO:
"Eh?"

CLIENT:
"You tattoo Chinese letters sometimes, don'tya?"

LaBELLO:
"Yep."

CLIENT:
"Well... canya tell me what this here means?"

LaBELLO:
"You don't know what it means? Why did you let someone tattoo it on you if you didn't know what it meant?"

CLIENT:
"I did, well, I mean, I just wanna check if it says what I wanted it to, y'know? You never know, y'know? Heh heh..."

LaBELLO:
"Actually, I DO know. I speak Chinese."

CLIENT:
"Heh... really?"

LaBELLO:
"Yes. Really."

CLIENT:
"Well... why would you wanna go and learn a fer'n language like that fer anyway? THEY should learn En'lish over here!"

LaBELLO:
"Yes... 'they'."

CLIENT:
"I'm not no... y'know, whatever... I say live and let live, y'know... but they's takin' over, y'know?"

LaBELLO:
"What the #@&$ are you talking about? EVERYONE is from SOMEWHERE."

CLIENT:
"Heh... shoot... not ME! Heh."

LaBELLO:
"No?"

CLIENT:
"Nope... I'm from riiiiiight here."

LaBELLO:
"Your last name is German."

CLIENT:
"Huh?"

LaBELLO:
"Germans are from... Germany, y'know? And what's your mom's maiden name?"

CLIENT:
"Uh... I think it's like somethin'-owski... Davinowski, Roma-owski, or somethin' like that..."

LaBELLO:
"Yeah, that's a Polish name... you know... from Poland..."

CLIENT:
"Yeah but... naw, man... I'm injun."

LaBELLO:
"What? How do you figure that?"

CLIENT:
"I heard that my great grandma had some injun in her."

LaBELLO:
"Ah... so, your great grandma had some 'injun' in her, so that makes you a Native American, does it?"

CLIENT:
"Heh... yep, born and bred!"

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"U-S-A!!! Heh heh."

LaBELLO:
"So... Captain America... what was it you thought the 'Chinese' lettering you had tattooed on you meant?"

CLIENT:
"Made in America."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Love and Hate'

2011-08-04T07:55:00.000-04:00

LaBELLO:
"Hello... what can I do for you today?"

MAN:
"Well... I'm lookin' fer a tattoo, um'k..."

LaBELLO:
"You're in the right place..."

MAN:
"But... I need to see if you'll a-do it ferst."

LaBELLO:
"Oh... is it in a... 'risque' area?"

MAN:
"Yea... no... wait, what?"

LaBELLO:
"What is it?"

MAN:
"I want to do this 'ere design on my chest... here, I drew it out kinda..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

MAN:
"... yep... on my chest..."

LaBELLO:
"That... is a swastika."

MAN:
"Um..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

MAN:
"Yer... yer not gonna do it... is ya."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

MAN:
"I mean... it's okay... I was just wonderin'..."

LaBELLO:
"HELL YES I'LL DO THAT ON YOU!"

MAN:
"Oh!... Um... you will?"

LaBELLO:
"HELL yeah! In fact, TODAY is twice-as-big-swastika day!"

MAN:
"... huh?"

LaBELLO:
"Yeah... so, let's do this... for the same price I would do this one, I'm going to make it twice as big for ya - no extra charge! How's that sound?"

MAN:
"Um... yeah... wait, what? Why?"

LaBELLO:
"Hell yeah, man! No sense in hiding that! Let's make it LOUD AND PROUD! ARE YA WITH ME!?"

MAN:
"... uh... I don't know... if it's twice as big, won't it come up on my neck some... won't people be able to see it?"

LaBELLO:
"Hell yes they'll see it!!! Let's let EVERYONE see it! Let's let EVERYONE see WHO you are!"

MAN:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"What do you say? Ready?"

MAN:
"Well... I didn't really want a big one..."

LaBELLO:
"No? Well why not?"

MAN:
"Well..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

MAN:
"...I don't nobody to think I'm racist er nuthin'"

LaBELLO:
". . ."

MAN:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"You, sir... are why I love and hate my job at the same time."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Third Generation'

2011-08-02T19:53:00.000-04:00

LaBELLO:
"You're a girl..."

CLIENT:
"Last time I checked..."

LaBELLO:
"... you're 19 years old..."

CLIENT:
"Yep."

LaBELLO:
"... and you're here to get your first tattoo..."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"... a SKULL with a DAGGER going through it..."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"... on your NECK."

CLIENT:
"That's right."

LaBELLO:
"Do you approve of this, mom?"

CLIENT'S MOM:
"Heh... she wants it! And she's 19!"

LaBELLO:
"And how about you, grandma?"

CLIENT'S GRANDMA:
"Hell, I have six, myself!"

LaBELLO:
"Okay... just one more question, so my conscious is clear..."

CLIENT:
"Yeah?"

LaBELLO:
"Have you checked the policies on tattoos at your work?"

CLIENT:
"Actually... I don't have a job..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"... yet..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"... but I'm gonna start looking tomorrow!"

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
". . ."

CLIENT'S MOM:
". . ."

CLIENT'S GRANDMA:
"... har!"

LaBELLO:
"Yeah... good luck with that."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Fresh Start'

2011-07-29T12:58:00.001-04:00

LaBELLO:
"So, this is your kid's name, right?"

CLIENT:
"What? Oh, HELL yes... I'm not putting any man's name on me... no way! And especially not THAT man!"

LaBELLO:
"Oh my. Problems in paradise?"

CLIENT:
"You could say that... we moved here to try to get away from the drama, but it seems to follow us."

LaBELLO:
"Oh good - the juicy part of the story! What drama?"

CLIENT:
"Heh... you don't really want to hear this?"

LaBELLO:
"You betchya!"

CLIENT:
"Well... my husband, the guy who dropped me off, cheated on me when I was pregnant..."

LaBELLO:
"Ah... cute kid, by the way."

CLIENT:
"Thanks... and so we moved here from South Carolina... his family lives here."

LaBELLO:
"Moved here to avoid temptation or contact with someone he was seeing?"

CLIENT:
"Well... I mean... sort of..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"So, anyway, we moved in with his mom temporarily... his mom and her girlfriend."

LaBELLO:
"Interesting. Do you all get along well?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah... well... we do... we have our own place now, but he's been so bitchy lately because..."

LaBELLO:
"Yeah?"

CLIENT:
"Well... when he went out of town for work... a guy I work with volunteered to help move us in to our new place..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"It was completely innocent! But... his wife also works with me and she is such a you-know-what to me now! And my husband keeps saying stuff about it..."

LaBELLO:
"Stuff?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah... you know... stuff."

LaBELLO:
"Yeah... I know."

CLIENT:
"It was completely innocent... I swear!"

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"You guys didn't move here so HE could avoid temptation... did you."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"... you went out and had a little 'retaliation' after he cheated on you, am I right?"

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"Geez... are you psychic or somethin'?"

LaBELLO:
"Have you ever heard that 'two wrongs don't make a right'?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah... but... he cheated on me FIRST! You would've done the same thing, wouldn't you!"

LaBELLO:
"No. I wouldn't have."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"But... how am I ever going to trust him again? And how am I ever going to get him to trust ME again?"

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"... I'm not... we're not... right?"

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"I think it's me."

LaBELLO:
"You?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah... I think it's me that I'm not sure if I can trust... I don't know if I can trust ME."

LaBELLO:
"You're afraid you can't trust yourself..."

CLIENT:
"Yeah... it's fear, right?"

LaBELLO:
"Love is the antidote to fear."

CLIENT:
"So... you're saying I need to learn to... love myself?"

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"Looks like we're all done here... check it out in the mirror."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'www.MyLocalMusic.info'

2011-07-28T14:56:00.000-04:00

WARNING: SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION

CLIENT:
"Man... there's nothing to do in this small town..."

LaBELLO:
"Nothing? Come on, that can't be true..."

CLIENT:
"Nothing, man... that's why so many people are hooked on pills around here... 'cause they're bored!"

LaBELLO:
"Well... what do you like to do that you can't do around here?"

CLIENT:
"Man... I like to see music, you know... live shows... but I gotta go clear to Columbus to see anyone play..."

LaBELLO:
"Wha? There are bars all over the place around here... and I bet most of them have live music from time to time... I was a live sound man for years and saw bands all over the place..."

CLIENT:
"I don't know... maybe... I don't know when they have music or who's playing or anything though..."

LaBELLO:
"And I know there are some local bands around here who are ready to rock your socks off... I've tattooed a few who've invited me to their shows..."

CLIENT:
"Yeah... there's a few bands around... I heard that some of them are pretty good... but I haven't heard them and I don't know when any of them are playing out either..."

LaBELLO:
"Hmmm... we really need a calendar... a public calendar to see when and where all the local bands are playing..."

CLIENT:
"Yeah... that would be cool... but it sucks when you go see a band and they're terrible, huh huh..."

LaBELLO:
"Hmmm... a public calendar where you can see what kind of music the bands play?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah..."

LaBELLO:
"...and maybe be able to sample some of their music online before you even go see them?"

CLIENT:
"Hell yeah! But where the hell are you going to find something like that? I mean, who's going to take their time to put something like that together?"

LaBELLO:
"I already have."

Ladies and gentlemen, Envy Ink Tattoo presents http://www.MyLocalMusic.info - the WHO's WHO and WHO's Playing WHERE and WHEN of Local Music!!!

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Discount Quality'

2011-07-26T06:00:00.000-04:00

CLIENT:
"But... that's almost TWICE what the other place said it would be!"

LaBELLO:
"I don't know or care what any other shops charge... this is what my work is worth, so this is my price. And we can certainly resize the design or change it to have a little less detail so it fits into your budget better..."

CLIENT:
"But... I don't want to change the size... see this'n right here on my shoulder, and this on my other shoulder? I only paid $XXX for these!"

LaBELLO:
"You get what you pay for in the tattoo industry."

CLIENT:
"Huh? They look good, don't they? What's wrong with this work?"

LaBELLO:
"I really don't like to criticize tattoos from other shops, but... since you asked... see all this sketchiness in the lines...?"

CLIENT:
"Well... yeah..."

LaBELLO:
"... and see how these lines are raised and the ink is all blown out and blurry around it?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah..."

LaBELLO:
"Looks like this tattoo hurt... did it hurt when he did it?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah... yeah, it felt like he was hittin' the dang bone! And I just bled and bled all over the place!"

LaBELLO:
"And look here... here is the center of your arm... and what does that look like to you?"

CLIENT:
"Oh... that ain't centered on my arm!"

LaBELLO:
"That's right... so, you can get an amazing tattoo from me that I will support with a lifetime of free touch-ups should you ever need one, OR you can get one from the shop that slaps a design on you without checking to see if it's centered, and cuts you so deep that they blow out and scar you with each line and make you bleed all over the place."

CLIENT:
"Ah... I see what you're saying..."

LaBELLO:
"Yeah..."

CLIENT:
"They should give me a discount on the next one, right?"

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Iphone Spy Verses Iphone Spy'

2011-07-25T06:00:00.001-04:00

CLIENT:
"I'm so mad at my husband!"

LaBELLO:
"What did he do?"

CLIENT:
"He's at a conference this weekend for work. And he went to HOOTERS last night for dinner!"

LaBELLO:
"You don't like Hooters?"

CLIENT:
"No - I like Hooters, but he went there the first day he got there..."

LaBELLO:
"What's wrong with that?"

CLIENT:
"I don't care that he went... it's just that he lied to me about it."

LaBELLO:
"Heh..."

CLIENT:
"What?"

LaBELLO:
"No, it's just that, I bet he didn't tell you about it so he wouldn't have to deal with this reaction you're having now... I mean... it's just Hooters."

CLIENT:
"Well... there's a reason I'm suspicious..."

LaBELLO:
"Ah..."

CLIENT:
"I had a nervous breakdown a few months back... and he's been very... distant... ever since."

LaBELLO:
"Oh."

CLIENT:
"Yeah... distant and disinterested."

LaBELLO:
"I see."

CLIENT:
"He said he was going to a steak house, but he went to Hooters..."

LaBELLO:
"But... how did you know he went to Hooters? He must have come clean and told you, right?"

CLIENT:
"HA! Nope... I tracked him there."

LaBELLO:
"Tracked?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah, heh heh, I installed a tracking app on his Iphone when he wasn't looking... so now I can watch a real-time GPS movement of his phone... see?"

LaBELLO:
"Wow... sneaky."

CLIENT:
"Yeah... well... see, now he's at the hotel... wait! no! He's 'outside' the hotel! That son-of-a-bitch!!! What's he doing? Why's he outside???"

LaBELLO:
"Um... yeah... maybe you should uninstall that app... for your own... sanity..."

CLIENT:
"I wonder what the hell he's doing outside! I have to call him..."

LaBELLO:
"But... we're almost done.... hhhhhhh."

CLIENT:
"See!? He said he was in his hotel room, but I can SEE he isn't!"

LaBELLO:
"Isn't he going to figure it out if you keep calling him on his location?"

CLIENT:
"Nah... he's really not that smart..."

LaBELLO:
"Ah."

CLIENT:
"I used to be fat."

LaBELLO:
"You what?"

CLIENT:
"I used to be really heavy. Here, look at this photo..."

LaBELLO:
"Wow - who's THAT?"

CLIENT:
"Exactly! And now men hit on me all the time."

LaBELLO:
"Oh yeah?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah! My girlfriend and I go out all the time now and, like just last night, this guy seemed very nice, so I bought him a drink, and..."

LaBELLO:
"You bought some dude a drink at a bar when your husband was away at a conference?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah... it was innocent, y'know... he was cool, so I bought him a drink and he bought me one, being friendly..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"... and then, just out of the blue, he asked if I wanted to go home with him!"

LaBELLO:
"Out of the blue, eh?"

CLIENT:
"Can you believe that?"

LaBELLO:
"What is wrong with you?"

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"Oh $#!& - the tracking app has turned off!!! He must have figured it out! Oh crap oh crap oh crap!"

LaBELLO:
"Did you tell him about that 'innocent' drink you had?"

CLIENT:
"Ha... no... he thinks I went to the movies with my girlfriend."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Kids are Idiots'

2011-07-21T06:00:00.002-04:00

CLIENT:
"They hate me."

LaBELLO:
"What?... who?"

CLIENT:
"My children. They hate me."

LaBELLO:
"But... we're tattooing them on you... right now."

CLIENT:
"Yeah... I'm getting them on me at an age when they still loved me."

LaBELLO:
"They don't hate you."

CLIENT:
"They do! They really do!"

LaBELLO:
"Oh, chut up - all kids are idiots - but they don't hate you."

CLIENT:
"Well... they're just so critical of me... critical of everything I do, you know? They have something negative to say about everything involving me... they probably won't like this tattoo - even though it's THEM."

LaBELLO:
"Why do you need your kids' approval so bad?"

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"I don't know."

LaBELLO:
"How about, instead of being reminded of your kids when they were at an age when they needed you, think of it like this: this image on you reminds you of kids who have become the independent people we all hope our children will become..."

CLIENT:
"Yeah... yeah, I like that!"

LaBELLO:
"And then SLAP THE $#!& out of it when you're mad at them!"

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Your Kids are Your Kids'

2011-07-20T14:11:00.002-04:00

CLIENT:
"Hello!"

LaBELLO:
"Hey there - what's going on?"

CLIENT:
"Well... I have an appointment with the lawyer next door, but he's running a little late this morning... just noticed your shop here and thought I'd take a look around."

LaBELLO:
"Cool... have a look. The pictures on the walls and in the books are really just to give you ideas... I'd much rather draw something original for you."

CLIENT:
"That's what I want! I don't like seeing the same thing I have on other people - can't stand seeing that."

LaBELLO:
"What kind of design are you thinking of?"

CLIENT:
"I want something totally original... I want... wait... THAT'S IT!"

LaBELLO:
"Huh?"

CLIENT:
"THAT... right here on the wall."

LaBELLO:
"Oh... okay... but that's a really really common piece of flash art, just so you know."

CLIENT:
"That's what I want... it speaks to me."

LaBELLO:
"Okay."

CLIENT:
"I want to get my son's name incorporated in it somehow... on my forearm here, on the underside."

LaBELLO:
"I'd recommend it in black and gray for your skin tone and how hairy your arms are... as opposed to a color piece."

CLIENT:
"Yeah... that's what I want... black and gray. I really want to show him that I love him, you know?"

LaBELLO:
"Yep."

CLIENT:
"That's not too... you know... is it?"

LaBELLO:
"Your kids are your kids... good choice for a tattoo."

CLIENT:
"Yeah... that's what I'm thinking."

LaBELLO:
"Okay... I have the design ready for you now... what do you think?"

CLIENT:
"Wow... that is really nice... better than what I was thinking."

LaBELLO:
"What do you think your boy is going to say when he sees it?"

CLIENT:
"Well... I'm not sure... see... he's the reason I have to go to see the lawyer today."

LaBELLO:
"Oh?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah... see... we got tore-down drunk the other night and got into a big fight... he beat the pulp outta me and I did some damage to him too..."

LaBELLO:
"Oh."

CLIENT:
"Yeah... his mom kicked me out too... he has a restraining order on me now... the son of a bitch."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"We were drunk and he got in my face and - I was thinking about punching his lights out, but I turned around and started to walk away... and then he tackled me or kicked me in the back - I don't remember which, and then it was ON."

LaBELLO:
"So... he kicked you in the back and has a restraining order against you but you want to tattoo his name on you."

CLIENT:
"Yeah... your kids are your kids, y'know?"

LaBELLO:
"Yeah... yeah, I know."

Tattoo Confessionals: '3 Inches from Her Sweetheart'

2011-07-19T08:05:00.001-04:00

MRS. CLIENT:
"Hey... we was want'n ta get matching tattoos..."

LaBELLO:
"What would you like to get?"

MRS. CLIENT:
"We was want'n our names on each'n other.

LaBELLO:
"Your names... hhhh... are you sure?"

MRS. CLIENT:
"I know, I know... it's s'pose ta be bad luck ta get that, right?"

LaBELLO:
"There is no good luck, nor is there bad luck... 'luck' is when chance meets preparedness... getting your names tattooed on each other is..."

MRS. CLIENT:
"Stupid?"

LaBELLO:
"...ill advised."

MRS. CLIENT:
"But... we're so in love!"

MR. CLIENT:
"That's right, baby!" *nom nom nom nom smooch smooch nom*

LaBELLO:
"Ew. Okay then... please read and fill out this form."

MRS. CLIENT:
*nom nom smooch nom*

MR. CLIENT:
*nom nom*

LaBELLO:
"...ahem..."

MRS. CLIENT:
"Oh, heh heh... sorry... you want us to fill out these forms? Okay..."

MR. CLIENT:
"Uhhhhh.... I gotta fill this out?"

MRS. CLIENT:
"Oh I'll fill it out for ya, bay-bay, 'n you just sign it... let's see... address... phone number..."

LaBELLO:
"I'm going to print up some fonts for you to choose from."

MRS. CLIENT:
"... um... I... can I ask you a question?"

LaBELLO:
"Absolutely."

MRS. CLIENT:
"Well... see... I wont ta be totally honest with you, you know... and... right here where it says 'Are you currently under the influence of any drugs or alcohol?'..."

LaBELLO:
"Yeah?"

MRS. CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

MRS. CLIENT:
"I have a bullet in me."

LaBELLO:
"A what?"

MRS. CLIENT:
"A bullet."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

MRS. CLIENT:
"See... right here is the bullet hole... on my left shoulder here..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

MRS. CLIENT:
"... the doctor said that, if it'd been three inches to the right, I'da been dead!"

LaBELLO:
"Lucky, eh?"

MRS. CLIENT:
"Yeah..."

MR. CLIENT:
"No, IIIIIIIIII'm thuh lucky one!" *nom nom nom smooch nom*

LaBELLO:
"Please stop that."

MRS. CLIENT:
"Oh, hee hee hee."

LaBELLO:
"Let's get started. Who's going first?"

MRS. CLIENT:
"I will 'cause my honey needs to go to the bathroom."

LaBELLO:
"Okay... it's there, down the hall."

MRS. CLIENT:
"He's my fate."

LaBELLO:
"Your what?"

MRS. CLIENT:
"My fate... we's meant fer each'n other... we was high school sweethearts and then we broke up and went our separate ways... but then we found..."

LaBELLO:
"That's very interesting. Tell me who shot you."

MRS. CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

MRS. CLIENT:
"It was one'a them old 22 rifles."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

MRS. CLIENT:
"My husband did not shoot me."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

MRS. CLIENT:
"The cops... they kept'a askin' if'n my husband shot me... but he didn't... he never hit me er even raised his voice at me... he's a good man... a good good man..."

LaBELLO:
"How'd you get shot?"

MRS. CLIENT:
"Okay, see, it was like this: I bought my husband a new gun for his birthday, see... and we was in bed... and I was wont'n to compare it to the old 22, see... and we kept the 22 on the wall there above the bed, see... so's I was a'reachin' fer it and I fell and BOOM... I shot myself with a 22 by accident."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

MRS. CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"Come on... you can tell me... did he shoot you?"

MRS. CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

MRS. CLIENT:
"I love my husband."

LaBELLO:
"Okay, we're all done... check it out in the mirror... do you like it?"

MRS. CLIENT:
"Ooh... that is perfect!"

LaBELLO:
"Okay, I'm going to clean up here... want to go check on your husband - he's been gone for a long time... maybe you should make sure he's okay."

MRS. CLIENT:
"Yeah, he has... hmmmm... I'll be right back."

LaBELLO:
"But, be sure to announce yourself."

MRS. CLIENT:
"Huh?"

LaBELLO:
"Announce yourself... you know... don't sneak up on him... that's how hunting accidents happen."

MRS. CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

MRS. CLIENT:
"That's not funny."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

MRS. CLIENT:
"Hahahahaha."

Tattoo Confessionals: UPDATE: 'Dear Dead Dog PART II'

2011-07-18T06:00:00.001-04:00

LaBELLO:
"Hello again... how are you doing? How'd the tattoo heal?"

CLIENT:
"Ohhhh.... not so good, I think."

LaBELLO:
"Wha!? Let me see."

CLIENT:
"Yeah, see... looks all dry and it scabbed up some."

LaBELLO:
"Hmmm... tell me how you healed it."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"Huh?"

LaBELLO:
"Tell me how you healed it - you know, what did you do to take care of it?"

CLIENT:
"Oh... well I didn'ta really put nuthin' on it."

LaBELLO:
"Yeah, I can see there's nothing on it now - it's all dry and crusty... I told you how to heal it didn't I? - what products to use?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah, yeah... but I didn't do any of that."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"OOH... but I DID let my dog lick it some."

LaBELLO:
"So, you didn't clean it the way I told you to OR apply the ointment that I prescribed, AND you let your DOG lick it..."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"... and you're wondering why it's not healing properly???"

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"Look... you CAN NOT let a DOG... LICK... your TATTOO... pet dander is one of the worst things that can be around a tattoo - people with pets usually take a bit longer to heal anyway but LETTING YOUR DOG LICK YOUR TATTOO!?!?!? That's just...."

CLIENT:
"... but she likes it."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"Wait... I thought your dog died!?"

Read 'Dear Dead Dog PART I' again...

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Soulless'

2011-07-11T19:44:00.001-04:00

MAN:
"Hey... h... hh... hey... hey, can I talk at you for a minute?"

LaBELLO:
"Sure... how can I help?"

MAN:
"I wunnita ask you how much would a tattoo be..."

LaBELLO:
"What would you like to get?"

MAN:
"Well... see this'n here on my back? It's my wife's name... welllllll, she's my soon-ta-be EX wife, actshully. Now, how much'd it'd be, ya think, ta fix it up?"

LaBELLO:
"You want me to fix a tattoo... of your soon-to-be EX wife's name?"

MAN:
"Yeah... we were at a party one time..."

LaBELLO:
"...drunk?"

MAN:
"...drunk, and this ol' boy had a tattoo gun, you know, he wunnita practice sum with it... soooooo.... my wife..."

LaBELLO:
"Ex."

MAN:
"Yeah, my soon-ta-be EX wife... and I decided we wunnita put each others' names on us... soooooo.... I put her name here on me, big like this, and she got... she went second, see... she got my name oh teeeeeeny tiny here on her hip..."

LaBELLO:
"That's not your hip."

MAN:
"...and just the other day, I saw 'er at the park here with her new man... you know, I don't care who she's-a carrying on with... that's her bidness, you know... I couldn't care less who she's with, you know..."

LaBELLO:
"Clearly."

MAN:
"Yeah... and like she cheated on me three times, you know..."

LaBELLO:
"I see."

MAN:
"...yeah... so, I saw her at the park and she asked me whur my kids er and I asked hur a-whur my kids er and she said she needed to get some gas so's she could go git'em, you know, and so's I gived her some money fer ta put some gas in 'er boyfriend's truck and I told 'er to git them kidses somethin' ta drink too, ya know..."

LaBELLO:
"I think you're getting drunker."

MAN:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

MAN:
"And all I had wuz a hunder'd dollar bill, you know... so's I tolded 'er, I saidj: here's a hunder'd, you git ten dollars-a gas fer yer boyfriend's truck and ya git them kidses a-somethin' ta drink and ya give grandpa the change when he comes ta pick 'em kids up tonight."

LaBELLO:
"Sounds reasonable... and generous."

MAN:
"Whut?... Oh... yeah, so, when my dad went to pick 'em up, he said, you know whut he said? Go on - you guess..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

MAN:
"He said, and git this, he said that she said she never seent me all day and a-didn'a know whut he was a-talkin' about."

LaBELLO:
"I did not a-see that coming."

MAN:
"Yeah! It's true! So, anyway... I don't have any money fer a tattoo... not right now, anyhow... maybe in a coupla months..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

MAN:
"You know whut else? I gave her the car when we a-split up too... I been walkin' ta town ever' day! Eight miles one way and a-eight miles back! Tearin' my shoes all up... already ruin't one pair and these'ns plum near wore the souls off... look at these holes!..."

LaBELLO:
"Sounds like you have holes in all your souls."

MAN:
"Yeah..."

LaBELLO:
"Wellllllll... plenty of fish in the sea and all that..."

MAN:
"Yeah... actshully... there IS this ONE gurl been a-talkin to me some..."

LaBELLO:
"(wait for it... wait for it...)"

MAN:
"She's my..."

LaBELLO:
"(here it comes... wait for it...)"

MAN:
"...wife's sister."

LaBELLO:
"Ha!"

MAN:
"Huh huh... yeah... says she's not a-happy with hur husband... keeps cheatin' on 'im..."

LaBELLO:
"Hee hee hee hee..."

MAN:
"... she's pretty nice, you know... so, who knows..."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'The Mother Who Shouldn't Be'

2011-07-08T06:00:00.005-04:00

LaBELLO:
"Hi there. How may I help you?"

LADY:
"Hi... I wonnit'a know if you could tattoo my daughter..."

LaBELLO:
"I can tattoo a minor as long as she has an ID and you, the parent, sign the consent form and are present during the procedure."

LADY:
"Oh, well, she don't haven no ID er nuthin."

LaBELLO:
"Well, I'm going to need her to get one before I can tattoo her - just bring her birth certificate down to the DMV and they'll make you one. Just takes a second."

DAUGHTER:
"That's schtoopid."

LaBELLO:
"It's, uh, what?"

DAUGHTER:
"My friend got one down at th'other shop - she don't have no ID, an' she ain't but fer-teen hurself!"

LaBELLO:
"I really don't know what the other shops do, but THIS shop follows the law and Health Department guidelines to protect YOU."

LADY:
"Look, now, I know we c'n wurk this'ere out, yu know... now look, she just wunts a lil' ol' tattoo right here on hur hip... like a lil' Playboy bunny... now, how much'a that be, ya think?"

LaBELLO:
"Um, Ma'am, THAT is NOT her HIP, first of all... and... you look VERY young - how old are you?"

DAUGHTER:
"I'm fef-teen."

LaBELLO:
"Okay, even if you get an ID, I'm not going to tattoo a minor THERE on her 'hip'... that would be sexual contact with a minor - which is molestation... which is ILLEGAL."

DAUGHTER:
"Illegal!?!? Wha....!?"

LADY:
"That's just STUUPID!"

LaBELLO:
"Wha... no... No. It's not. Letting a man you don't know touch your fifteen year old daughter under her pantie line is stupid... and CRIMINAL... seriously, you don't get that?"

LADY:
"Well, her boyfriend touches 'er all th'damn time, and he's older'n you, pro'lly! Heh heh..."

LaBELLO:
"Okay, okay, you make a compelling case... I'll tattoo her."

DAUGHTER:
"Really!?"

LaBELLO:
"No."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'H2 No'

2011-07-07T13:12:00.002-04:00

LADY:
"Can I ask you a question?"

LaBELLO:
"Absolutely."

LADY:
"I got a tattoo a few days ago - can you tell me how it looks?"

LaBELLO:
"Sure! Let's see..."

LADY:
"I'm concerned because parts of it are peeling off pretty bad."

LaBELLO:
"Yeah... I see that... who did this?"

LADY:
"I got it while I was on vacation in Myrtle Beach."

LaBELLO:
"Ah... cute design... tell me how you're healing it."

LADY:
"They sold me this stuff... it's called H2O."

LaBELLO:
"Ah, okay... throw that stuff in the garbage. It's basically saltwater - terrible for a tattoo."

LADY:
"Oh... really... why did they sell it to me then?"

LaBELLO:
"It's a sales upsell thing - they can't make any money sending you to Wal*Mart to get your products."

LADY:
"Oh... but... is it... how does it look? Is it... ruined? Ink just keeps falling out in flakes..."

LaBELLO:
"No, it's not ruined by any means! It's a cool tattoo - we just have to wait until it's healed to see how it's going to turn out... and don't worry - if any skin is showing through when it's all healed up, I can touch it up for you."

LADY:
"Oh... whew... I was worried."

LaBELLO:
"No worries - just stop using the H2O stuff and, here, I'll write down the soap and lotion you should use... come back and show me how it's healing in about a week."

LADY:
"You are... I mean... are you a tattoo artist?"

LaBELLO:
"Heh heh... yes."

LADY:
"I just mean... you're the nicest tattoo artist I've ever met!"

LaBELLO:
"Heh heh, thank you."

LADY:
"Most of them are... well, you know."

LaBELLO:
"Yep, I know... and, in general, my advice is to never get a tattoo on vacation."

LADY:
"Oh?"

LaBELLO:
"Yeah... get your tattoos at a shop where you've checked out the work... someplace close enough that you can ask them questions or have them look at the tattoo if you have concerns during healing."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Eat Cat My'

2011-07-06T06:00:00.001-04:00

WOMAN:
"Hi."

LaBELLO:
"Oh, hi there... I'll be finished with this gentleman in about ten minutes..."

WOMAN:
"Oh, no hurry..."

LaBELLO:
"In the meantime, please feel free to check out our work on the flat screen out there, and look through the books for ideas... poke your head back here if you have any questions."

WOMAN:
"Well... I do have one question."

LaBELLO:
"Cool, shoot."

WOMAN:
"I wanted to get a price for a tattoo that I want..."

LaBELLO:
"(spidey senses are tingling! uh oh...) Uh... yes?"

WOMAN:
"...right here."

LaBELLO:
"Oh... there above your... stuff... eh?"

WOMAN:
"Yeah... huh huh... and I want it to say 'Eat My' and then have a picture of a cat."

LaBELLO:
"Hhhh... of course you do."

WOMAN:
"Huh... yeah... and like this... 'Eat' here on my right side, and 'My' on my left side, and the cat here in the middle."

LaBELLO:
"Wouldn't that be 'Eat Cat My'?"

WOMAN:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"Huh huh."

LaBELLO:
"$500."

WOMAN:
"Woah... that's a lot."

LaBELLO:
"Yes, well, it's a big... cat."

WOMAN:
"I think I'll have to think about that."

LaBELLO:
"Yes... think."

WOMAN:
"Okay, thank you... later."

LaBELLO:
"Nice to meet you."

CLIENT:
"Ew... she looked like John Goodman with lipstick."

LaBELLO:
"Hahaha... I just swallowed my gum."

CLIENT:
"But why so much?"

LaBELLO:
"Oh... $100 for the tattoo and $400 for the 'protect-her-from-her-own-stupidity' surcharge."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Twin SurPrise'

2011-07-05T08:38:00.002-04:00

CLIENT:

"Hey!"

LaBELLO:

"Um... yes ma'am, how may I help you today?"

CLIENT:

"You stick 'em too?"

LaBELLO:

"Do I... uh... what?"

CLIENT:

"You stick 'em too?"

LaBELLO:

"Stick 'em... you mean do I tattoo?"

CLIENT:
"Well that's a-whot I ask-ed... you stick 'em?"

LaBELLO:
"Yes, yes, I most certainly 'stick 'em'."

CLIENT:

"I'm a VIRGIN!"

LaBELLO:

"I doubt that."

CLIENT:

"Noy... a tattooy virgin!  This'll be my first'n!"

LaBELLO:
"Oh... joy... yes... so what shall I stick on you today?"

CLIENT:

"I wont my kidses names on me... rite here... on my shoulder... and the other'n here on this'n shoulder."

LaBELLO:

"Cool, so you..."

CLIENT:
"I wont... let's see... 'T'... 'L'... 'C'... wait... no... it's 'T'... 'H'... 'S'... wait... let's see..."

LaBELLO:
"Oh... you want their initials..."

CLIENT:

"Yeah... that's a-whut I said... Let's see, it's 'T'... 'M'... 'S' on this arm... with my name undur it... and a 'C'... 'H'... uh.... 'S' on a-this'n arm with their dad's name a-undur it'n."

LaBELLO:
"So you want 'TMS' on this arm with your name under it and 'CHS' on that arm with their dad's name under it?"

CLIENT:

"Yes... that's whut I wont."

LaBELLO:

"Okay... what's your name and dad's name?"

CLIENT:

"Huh?"

LaBELLO:
"You said you want your name under these initials... What is your name?"

CLIENT:

"No... I said I wont 'MOM' thar."

LaBELLO:

"Oh, okay... so you don't want your name and dad's name, you want 'MOM' and 'DAD' under the initials... is that right?"

CLIENT:

"Yeah... that's a-whut I said!  My name!"

LaBELLO:

"Hhhh... okay... let's get started."

CLIENT:

"So... you like'n givin' tattooies to purty womans like me?"

LaBELLO:
"(there's no place like home, there's no place like home...) So... is this okay?  Pain level, I mean?"

CLIENT:

"Oh, this don't hurt none.  I'm so used to needles... they's stickin' me all the time at the hospital."

LaBELLO:

"Oh yeah?  Why's that?"

CLIENT:

"They's always somethin'erother a-wrong with me.  But it takes 'em a while to find it... they said I didn't have the sugars sick... but then I did... and they said I wasn't a-pregn'nt... but I was..."

LaBELLO:

"Pregnant?"

CLIENT:

"Yep... with my boys... didn't even know I was a-pregn'nt 'til I had'em."

LaBELLO:
"You... didn't know you were pregnant... like, at all?"

CLIENT:

"Nope... didn't even have any stomach pains in the front er nuthin'... just had a back ache and then they took me to th' hospital."

LaBELLO:

"Wow."

CLIENT:

"Yep... and I didn't a-wont no painkillers neether!  I pooshed one out and they said, 'here comes a nuther'in'!  Hahaha huh huh."

LaBELLO:
"Twins?"

CLIENT:

"Yup... and I got up and left that night too.  I whadn't abouta stay thar!  I had things to do!"

LaBELLO:

"Huh..."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
" Mmmmm... I like'em biscuits-n-must'rd... Mmmhmm..."

CLIENT:
"Huh huh huh... I like a-way you talk."

LaBELLO:
"Heh heh... yeah, I love that movie."

CLIENT:
"Whut moovie?"

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Shoebox Mechanic'

2011-07-04T06:00:00.003-04:00

CLIENT:
"Heh heh... this is my first one, so be gentle... heh heh."

LaBELLO:
"Oh, no worries - tattoos from me feel like warm hugs from grandma."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"Hahahaha..."

LaBELLO:
"Hahahaha... okay, I'm going to start with just a small line to show you that it's not that bad..."

CLIENT:
"Oh... that's ALL? That doesn't hurt! All my buddies said it really hurts!"

LaBELLO:
"Well, pain levels differ from person to person - even from brother to brother sometimes... but, I think your buddies were having a bit of fun with you."

CLIENT:
"I think so too! This isn't bad at all though... my nephew, he does tattoos... he's been trying to get me to let him do a tattoo on me for years... maybe you know him? His name is ********."

LaBELLO:
"Oh... yeah, I met him once - he applied here... but, unfortunatelly, we can't hire anyone who's been tattooing out of their house for so long... too many years of irreversable bad habits... and I know his work very well - no offense, but I fix his work all the time."

CLIENT:
"Oh, no offense taken - he's been trying to put a tattoo on me for years... but I just can't see letting someone with grease under his fingernails do a tattoo on me... can't be sanitary... especially out of a kitchen or garage."

LaBELLO:
"You're exactly right... there's a reason that the Health Department won't give a license to someone in a house."

CLIENT:
"Heh... he's like... what I call a 'shoebox mechanic'... heh heh... I'd rather have it done professionally."

LaBELLO:
"Heh... shoebox mechanic... I like that... he's what is refered to as a 'scratcher' or a 'home hacker'... and you know what's funny?"

CLIENT:
"Heh... what?"

LaBELLO:
"We've done cover-ups on three of his former girlfriends' tattoos... heh heh..."

CLIENT:
"He's gonna be mad when he sees that I had you do this and not him..."

LaBELLO:
"Yeah..."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"Hahahahahaha!"

LaBELLO:
"Hahahahahaha!"

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Tattoo Window Shopper'

2011-07-01T06:00:00.002-04:00

LaBELLO:
"Hello. What can I design for you today?"

GUY:
"Oh, I'm just lookin'..."

LaBELLO:
"No problem... but please know that the designs on the wall and in the books are mainly just to give you ideas - I would much rather design something completely original and just for you."

GUY:
"Cool... I really like this three-leaf clover design..."

LaBELLO:
"Oh? This one?"

GUY:
"Yeah... I like that a lot... it's original, y'know? 'Cause ev'ryone gets four-leafed clovers... so it'd be original... yeah..."

LaBELLO:
"Yeah... original... you want to do..."

GUY:
"But this is cool too... always wanted praying hands on me..."

LaBELLO:
"...okay, yeah, praying hands would be..."

GUY:
"... Ooh! Is THIS one-a them 'nautica' stars?"

LaBELLO:
"Yes... that is a 'nautical' star... would you rather do that than the other designs today, you think?"

GUY:
"Huh huh... YEAH... I'd LOVE to!..."

LaBELLO:
"Great!"

GUY:
"...but I don't have any money."

LaBELLO:
"Hhhh."

GUY:
"Actually, I DO have a design that I want on my back... that I've always wanted to get... I designed it myself..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

GUY:
"...In High School..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

GUY:
"...I have the pi'ture at home... I can bring it in some time... show you... see what you think..."

LaBELLO:
"Absolutely! But let's wait to do that until closer to when you're ready to get it, k?"

GUY:
"...It's like from here on my hips all the way up to here on my back and over my shoulders..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

GUY:
"...and back down my ribs..."

LaBELLO:
"Sounds great... let's get together when you're closer to..."

GUY:
"It's like wings..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

GUY:
"... but they're original..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

GUY:
"... because they're TRIBAL wings!..."

LaBELLO:
"Yes... tribal... wings... gotchya..."

GUY:
"... but they're still 'wingy', y'know?..."

LaBELLO:
"AAAAAAAAAAAHRGHHHHHAAAAA!!!!"

GUY:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

GUY:
"You okay?"

LaBELLO:
"Yes... I'm sorry... that was... rude."

GUY:
"It's okay, man... it was probably REALLY frustrating - listening to me TRY to describe my tattoo..."

LaBELLO:
"...I..."

GUY:
"I'm gonna take off now..."

LaBELLO:
"...I..."

GUY:
"...but I'll be back in a few minutes with my drawing!"

LaBELLO:
"! ! !"

Tattoo Confessionals: 'The Collector'

2011-06-30T06:00:00.004-04:00

LaBELLO:
"Hello. How ya doin' today?"

CLIENT:
"Oh, I'm good, good... just lookin' around... I maybewanna get another'n, y'know?"

LaBELLO:
"Cool..."

CLIENT:
"Har har har har..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"...have that 'itch', ye know?"

LaBELLO:
"Itchy... yes..."

CLIENT:
"Har har har har!"

LaBELLO:
"So... what can I design for you today?"

CLIENT:
"Well... I'm not sure yet... see, all my tattoos mean somethin', ye know?... they all gotta meeeean somethin'..."

LaBELLO:
"Hmm..."

CLIENT:
"Yeah... I'm not sure what I want... but it's gotta be... personal, ye know... it's gotta mean somethin'... har har har... I don't know... I just have that 'itch'!"

LaBELLO:
"Well... you DO have a lot of tattoos already... they don't seem to follow any central theme though... you're a bit of a collector, aren't you."

CLIENT:
"Har har... yes I am... that's a good way to put it! I'm a collector! BUT... they ALL meeeean somethin', ye know? Ever' one-a my tattoos has PERSONAL meaning to me."

LaBELLO:
"So... that... um... black and... well, black, um... 'shape' there on your forearm?"

CLIENT:
"Har... wellllll... that one... I was a little..."

LaBELLO:
"Drunk?"

CLIENT:
"Har har har... yeah, we BOTH were... har har har... it was supposed to be a Harley Davidson shield, but the boy really messed it up..."

LaBELLO:
"I... see... and that sort of scribbly sketchy thing right there on your shoulder?"

CLIENT:
"Oh, somebody shot that on me when I was-a passed out one time at a party... and I did the touch-up on it myself!"

LaBELLO:
"Ew."

CLIENT:
"Did it all by myself!"

LaBELLO:
"And the thing there on your neck... that almost looks like a retarded Tasmanian Devil?.. what's THAT mean to you?"

CLIENT:
"Oh... that thar is another cover-up of mine... used to be the White Power 'S-S' lightnin' bolts... covered it up tho... didn't want people to get the wrong impression... think I'm a racist or somethin'..."

LaBELLO:
"Ah ha."

CLIENT:
"So... if you's to suggest a tattoo design for me... what do you think might kinda go with what I got already?"

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"(don't say it, don't say it...)"

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"How about... (don't say it, don't say it, don't say it)... a bottle of pills... (don't say it, don't say it)... spilling out onto a Rebel Flag... (don't say it!)...
that is flying from a rifle... (don't say it!)...
that is being held by Jesus."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"YOU..."

LaBELLO:
"(Uh oh...)"

CLIENT:
"...ARE GOOD!"

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"But could you add some barbed wire to it?"

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Invasion of the Germerican'

2011-06-29T14:54:00.001-04:00

LaBELLO:
"So... you're from Germany?"

CLIENT:
"Ja."

LaBELLO:
"You like to visit America often?"

CLIENT:
"Oh, ja! Amer-ica, ja!"

LaBELLO:
"I was told that you visit often?... that as soon as you're eligible for a new Visa, you jump on the plane?"

CLIENT:
"Ja, ja."

LaBELLO:
"You must REALLY like it here."

CLIENT:
"Oh, ja."

LaBELLO:
"But don't you miss the discotheques back in Germany?"

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"Ja, ja... disco... ja, ja."

LaBELLO:
"Hahaha..."

CLIENT:
"Hahaha... ja, ja, haha."

LaBELLO:
"So... your English?... not so good?"

CLIENT:
"... ja, ja... Eng-lish... ja."

LaBELLO:
"Are you a pink freight train?"

CLIENT:
"Ja, ja."

LaBELLO:
"Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moon light?"

CLIENT:
"Oh, ja, ja."

LaBELLO:
"Hahaha."

CLIENT:
"Hahaha... ja, ja."

LaBELLO:
"Hahaha... so, what are your thoughts on the current American economy?"

CLIENT:
"Oh, well, recent data indicate that growth has picked up and suggest a more sustainable, though still moderate, economic expansion... and there are many reasons to be optimistic... Improvements in labor markets and reductions in debt burdens are supporting household spending... Businesses’ balance sheets have improved — indeed, many have ample cash reserves to finance spending. Those looking for external funding can obtain low-cost financing from capital markets, and the availability and terms of bank lending have improved notably from crisis levels. Monetary policy remains accommodative. And the recently enacted federal payroll tax reductions and investment expensing provisions help prop up spending. Of course, there are still weak spots... Both residential construction and commercial construction remain at very depressed levels of activity. Some borrowers who are dependent on bank lending might still be constrained in their access to credit. Budgetary concerns weigh on state and local governments’ capacity to spend. And higher energy prices represent a reduction in domestic purchasing power, though at current prices this effect is still a modest one..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"Don't you agree?"

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"Ja."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Slow Talker'

2011-06-27T06:00:00.000-04:00

LaBELLO:
"Howdy."

CLIENT:
"Hello... how... are... you..."

LaBELLO:
"Spectacular!  What can I do for you?"

CLIENT:

"I... was... just... at... the... other... shop... down... the... road... and... he... wouldn't... take... the... time... to... listen... to... what... I... wanted... he... just... spoke... a... million... miles... an... hour... and... tried... to... get... me... to... just... pick... something... off... of... the... wall... you... know...?"

LaBELLO:
"Oh no..."

CLIENT:

"Yeah... he... spoke... so... fast... and... was... bouncing... off... the... walls... I... think... he... is... on... 'coke'..."

LaBELLO:

"Well, let's see if I can help you out."

CLIENT:

"I... want... this... tribute... to... my... dog... her... name... and... angel... wings... and... a... halo..."

LaBELLO:
"Aw... I'm sorry to hear about your dog passing."

CLIENT:

"Oh... she's... not... dead... yet..."

LaBELLO:

"Oh."

CLIENT:
"But... she... is... getting... up... there... in... years..."

LaBELLO:
"Ah."

CLIENT:

"You... can... probably... tell... by... the... way... that... I... talk..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:

"...that... I... am... a... bit..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:

"...'country'..."

LaBELLO:

". . ."

CLIENT:

"I... like... you... because... you... really... take... the... time... to listen... to... me... and... you... don't... talk... too... fast..."

LaBELLO:
"Oh... well... thank... you..."

CLIENT:

"Why... are... you... talking... like... that...?"

LaBELLO:

"Er... um.... I'm... 'country'?

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Meow? HIYA!!!!'

2011-06-24T06:00:00.005-04:00

GIRL:

"Hi."

LaBELLO:

"Hey. What's happenin' today?"

GIRL:

"Nothin' much... can you tell me how big this is?"

LaBELLO:
"Um... your crotch?"

GIRL:

"Yeah, well, how many inches across do you think this is?"

LaBELLO:
"Um... what are you talking about? I'm confused about what you're trying to ask me..."

GIRL:

"Well, I'm getting a tattoo here and I was wondering if you could tell me how many inches across this is..."

LaBELLO:

". . ."

GIRL:

"... y'know?... how big do you think this is?.. like, how many inches?"

LaBELLO:

". . ."

GIRL:

"... because I'm getting a tattoo here today... and..."

LaBELLO:
"What do you mean 'you're getting a tattoo there today'? As in you want me to give you a tattoo, or...?"

GIRL:

"Oh... no... my friend, he's giving me the tattoo later today..."

LaBELLO:

". . ."

GIRL:

"... at his house... later today..."

LaBELLO:

"So you've come here, into a professional shop, to ask questions, and then you're going to go to some dude's house to get the tattoo... is that it?"

GIRL:

"Yeah... well... I was just wondering... y'know... if you could tell me how many inches across this is..."

LaBELLO:
"You are HERE, asking me to essentially support someone else's product... is that it?"

GIRL:

"... no, well... I..."

LaBELLO:

"How incredibly rude."

GIRL:

"Oh... no, I didn't mean to be..."

LaBELLO:

"If nothing else, that is extremely RUDE."

GIRL:

"... I just thought you could tell me how many inches..."

LaBELLO:

"And besides your thoughtless rudeness, tattooing out of a house is ILLEGAL..."

GIRL:

"... I, I, I..."

LaBELLO:
"...and besides it being ILLEGAL, how old are you?"

GIRL:

"I'm... 17..."

LaBELLO:

"And who's doing this tattoo on you later today?"

GIRL:
"His name is *******..."

LaBELLO:

"Yeah... I've fixed his work several times... he's what we call a 'home hacker'... a 'scratcher'... because he, like ALL people who tattoo out of their houses, hasn't the skill enough to work in a legitimate LEGAL shop..."

GIRL:

"... but, but, but, he said he'd do it for free..."

LaBELLO:

"Yeah... so, let me get this straight... you're here to ask a professional tattoo artist some support questions about a tattoo that you're going to have illegally done on your 17 year old girly part by a 40+ year old hack, who is going to do it for free... just out of the kindness of his heart?"

GIRL:

"I just thought you could tell me how many inches this is..."

LaBELLO:
"WHEN you have children... eat them... please."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Death Wish Daddy'

2011-06-23T06:00:00.001-04:00

LaBELLO:
"Hello. How may I help you?"

CLIENT:
"Hi. Yes. I wanted to ask about a piercing for my daughter?"

LaBELLO:
"Sure! What kind of piercing is she wanting?"

CLIENT:
"Um, a bellybutton piercing..."

LaBELLO:
"Cool. When does she want to do it?"

CLIENT:
"Um... today... er, right now... if it's okay... if you'll do it..."

LaBELLO:
"If I'll do it? How old is she?"

CLIENT:
"Eleven."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"... she wants it... y'know?"

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"... she..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"Um... I think I'll just go."

LaBELLO:
"Yes... you should do... that."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Time Doer'

2011-06-22T06:00:00.003-04:00

CLIENT:
"Yeah... whussup, yo... yeah... like, I wantchyou to design a tattoo for me, like, yeah..."

LaBELLO:
"Sure, homey."

CLIENT:
"Yeah... so, like I want you to work in some different elements like some bricks and barbed wire and maybe a clock and some bullet holes... you know... like all having to do with prison..."

LaBELLO:
"Okay... I can do that."

CLIENT:
"Yeah... It's to represent my time, you know? My time in da joint..."

LaBELLO:
"Word."

CLIENT:
"Yeah yeah yeah, yo... like I don't wanna evah fo-get, you know, that part of my life, you know... yeah..."

LaBELLO:
"Yeah... I feel ya, yo."

CLIENT:
"Yeah... like, I ain't proud of it, you know, but I don't evah wanna fo-getit neither tho... just a little something just for me, you know... a small reminder."

LaBELLO:
"You said you want it to take up your whole side?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah, yo... that's tight."

LaBELLO:
"Wow... so you were in for a while, eh?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah, man... like a month and a half..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"Yeah... prison's no joke, you know?"

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"Also... can you put some words on it sayin' 'STILL DOIN' TIME'?

LaBELLO:
"Vanilla Ice."

CLIENT:
"What?"

LaBELLO:
"I said 'sure thing'."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Nervous Ninja'

2011-06-21T06:00:00.005-04:00

LaBELLO:

"Hey there!  Didn't expect you back... at least not so soon.  When you were here earlier with your wife, I got the impression that she wasn't very keen on you getting another tat."

CLIENT:

"Heh heh heh... yeah... but the tattoo you designed... I've shopped that idea around to a lot of shops - and got all kinds of prices... but what you did with it... I've never seen anyone draw like that before... and it's a memorial one, y'know?  So it's really important that I get it done right..."

LaBELLO:

"Thanks, man... okay, so when are you wanting to do it?"

CLIENT:

"Right now, actually."

LaBELLO:

"Oh, now?"

CLIENT:

"Yeah... unless you have someone coming in?"

LaBELLO:

"Actually, I do have a couple of hours until my next appointment... Sure!  Have a seat."

CLIENT:

"Great!"

LaBELLO:
"You're shaking a bit... you're not on anything right now, are you?"

CLIENT:
"What?  No... I'm just a little bit nervous."

LaBELLO:
"Nervous!?  You have six other tattoos... why are you nervous?"

CLIENT:
"Because my wife thinks I'm just running to the store for ice cream."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"Hahahahahahahaha..."

CLIENT:
"Hahahahahahahaha..."

LaBELLO:
"THAT is funny... you're like a ninja on a secret mission to get a tattoo."

CLIENT:
"Yeah... and I'm a little nervous that she's gonna show up here when I don't come home with ice cream right away... she knows me, y'know?"

LaBELLO:
"Hee hee... she's not going to rough me up, is she?"

CLIENT:
"Ha... no, but she might rough ME up!"

LaBELLO:
"Maybe if she saw the design we're doing... she didn't really look at it when she was here before."

CLIENT:
"Yeah... she hates spending money..."

LaBELLO:
"Uh oh... you called it, man - here she comes..."

CLIENT'S WIFE:
"SO!"

CLIENT:
"Um... Hi, honey?"

CLIENT'S WIFE:
"You better not 'hi' me and you certainly better not 'honey' me!"

CLIENT:
"But but but... would you just look at the tattoo he's doing?"

CLIENT'S WIFE:
"I DON'T CARE.  We talked about not spending money on more tattoos right now... and it's..."

CLIENT:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT'S WIFE:
"...wow... that's... really really good!"

LaBELLO:
"Thank you."

CLIENT:
"Yeah!  See?  I told you..."

CLIENT'S WIFE:
"Shutupupup.  YOU don't tell me anything.  YOU still suck."

CLIENT:
". . ."

CLIENT'S WIFE:
"So... you..."

LaBELLO:
"Yes?"

CLIENT'S WIFE:
"You got time to do maybe a small one on my foot after this?"

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Dumb Love'

2011-06-20T06:00:00.002-04:00

CLIENT:

"Hi... we'd like to get each others names tattooed on us..."

LaBELLO:

"Really?..."

CLIENT:

"Heh... yeah."

CLIENT'S GIRLFRIEND:

"Yeahhh..."

LaBELLO:

"Really, I mean, are you sure?  Wouldn't you rather get an image that represents each other?"

CLIENT:

". . ."

CLIENT'S GF:
". . ."

LaBELLO:

". . ."

CLIENT:

"No... I think we want to do the names..."

CLIENT'S GF:

"Yeah... maybe with hearts around them?"

LaBELLO:

"Okay... I tried... on your wrists, you said?"

CLIENT:

"Yeah... heh... this is going to be cool..."

LaBELLO:

"No offense, by the way... I just always want to make sure that people think about it before they get names tattooed on themselves, you know?"

CLIENT'S GF:

"Yeah... totally agree."

CLIENT:
"Yeah... me too... I've seen a lot of people get names tattooed on them and then they break up..."

CLIENT'S GF:
"Yeah... heh... a lot."

CLIENT:

"Yeah... it's something you have to really think hard about and be sure of, I think."

CLIENT'S GF:
"Yeah... you really do."

LaBELLO:

"Oh, well, good... sounds like you've really thought about it."

CLIENT:

"Yeah."

LaBELLO:

"So... how long have you two been together?"

The Client looks at his girlfriend coyly.

CLIENT:

"Weeeeellllll... that's hard to say..."

LaBELLO:
"Hhhhhh... here we go..."

CLIENT:

"Like... seven months?..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:

"...off and on..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:

". . ."

CLIENT'S GF:

". . ."

LaBELLO:

"You know what?"

CLIENT:

"What?"

LaBELLO:

"Yeah... I'm gonna do something special for you two... lovebirds."

CLIENT:

"Special?"

CLIENT'S GF:

"Special?  Ooh!"

LaBELLO:

"Yeah... EXTRA special, in fact... instead of just your names in hearts, I'm gonna - no extra charge - I'm gonna put each name in half of a heart..."

CLIENT'S GF:

"Oh... I like that!"

LaBELLO:

"...oh, that's not all... I'm ALSO going to - and here comes the 'extra special' part - in the cracked, split between the heart, I'm going to put the silhouette of her actual face on you and the silhouette of your face on her."

CLIENT:

"So... on me, it'll look like her face in the shape of half a heart with her name in it... and on her, it'll look like my face in the shape of the other side of the heart?"

LaBELLO:

"That's it... yes."

CLIENT'S GF:
"Wow... that is soooo cool."

CLIENT:

"Wow... yeah."

LaBELLO:

"That way, every time you look down at your arm, you'll see her name AND her face and be instantly reminded of her..."

CLIENT:

"Cool..."

LaBELLO:

"... forever..."

CLIENT'S GF:

"Nice..."

LaBELLO:

"... and ever..."

CLIENT:

"Awesome!"

LaBELLO:
"... and EVER."

CLIENT'S GF:
"I can't wait!"

LaBELLO:

"Me neither... also - as a totally unrelated side note, I'd like to mention that we do specialize in cover-ups."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Nom Nom Mommy'

2011-06-18T06:00:00.003-04:00

INT. TATTOO SHOP - NIGHT

CLIENT is a MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN who comes into the shop holding hands with a BOY young enough to be her son. They are kissy and cuddly and clearly lovers.

CLIENT:
"Hi."

LaBELLO:
"Hello there... how may I help you?"

CLIENT:
"I'd like to get a tattoo designed with a few different flowers... here, I have some photo references of my favorite ones..."

LaBELLO:
"Oh, yes... very pretty... so you're looking for a design that's more or less a bouquet of these flowers?"

CLIENT:
"Yes."

LaBELLO:
"...something pretty, feminine, and representative of you, yes?"

CLIENT:
"Yes."

LaBELLO:
"Cool... where do you want it?"

The Client uses the boy's back to indicate where on the shoulder blade she wants the tattoo.

CLIENT:
"Right around here, I think."

LaBELLO:
"Cool, that would be good... I might have to adjust the size just a bit for the tattoo to fit properly on you..."

CLIENT:
"What do you mean?"

LaBELLO:
"You know, because his shoulder is larger than yours..."

CLIENT:
". . ."

CLIENT'S BOY TOY:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"Oh... no... the tattoo is going to be on him."

LaBELLO:
"Oh... OH. I see... so, the tattoo is going to be on you."

CLIENT'S BOY TOY:
"Yeah... I guess... she really wants it, y'know?"

CLIENT:
"Aw... I love you, bubby..."

Nuzzle, nuzzle, nuzzle.

CLIENT:
"And I'd like to get a little flower on me too... the color of his birth stone... right here..."

LaBELLO:
"Oh... close to your 'girly-whatsit-part', eh?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah... hee hee..."

CLIENT'S BOY TOY:
"Huh..."

LaBELLO:
"Okay, I'm going to need to see your IDs for the paperwork, please."

CLIENT:
"Here you go... I keep both of ours... he's always losing his, y'know? Men! Heh heh."

LaBELLO:
"Ah... so, how long have you been married?"

CLIENT:
"Huh?"

CLIENT'S BOY TOY:
"Huh huh huh."

CLIENT:
"Oh, no, ha ha... same last name, you mean?"

LaBELLO:
"Yeah?"

CLIENT:
"No... he's my son."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"So... how much are these two tattoos?"

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT:
". . ."

CLIENT'S BOY TOY:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"Seven-thousand dollars."

CLIENT'S BOY TOY:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"Ha ha... no, really, how much?"

LaBELLO:
"Yeah, see, we have a $6,800 incest fee."

CLIENT:
". . ."

CLIENT'S BOY TOY:
". . ."

LaBELLO:
"Yeah, have a nice day."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'I Wanna Be a Stripper When I Grow Up'

2011-06-17T06:00:00.022-04:00

CLIENT:
"Stories? Heh heh... honey, tell him what you do."

CLIENT'S GIRL FRIEND:
"I'm a STRIPPER!"

LaBELLO:
"Um... congratulations?"

CLIENT:
"Huh huh huh... yeah."

LaBELLO:
"You're a stripper?"

CLIENT'S GF:
"Yep."

LaBELLO:
"YOU'RE a stripper?"

CLIENT'S GF:
"Yeah..."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT'S GF:
"What? You don't believe me?"

LaBELLO:
"Um... it's just... you... um... you're not... um... so, uh, how did you get into that line of work?"

CLIENT'S GF:
"Heh... I remember when I was six years old..."

CLIENT:
"Heh heh heh, I love this story... tell 'im, hon."

LaBELLO:
". . ."

CLIENT'S GF:
"Heh... anyway... when I was six years old, I remember I was in the garage with my friend and we were talking about what we wanted to be when we grew up... and I said that I wanted to be a stripper! Heh heh."

CLIENT:
"Yep... heh heh heh... huh huh..."

LaBELLO:
"Um... yeah, it is SUPER GREAT to have goals so young, but just one question - how did you know what a 'stripper' was at six years old?"

CLIENT'S GF:
". . ."

CLIENT:
"Heh heh... six... heh heh."

LaBELLO:

Tattoo Confessionals: 'The Bigamists New/Ex Wife'

2011-06-16T06:00:00.004-04:00

LaBELLO:

"Have any interesting stories to tell me while I work on your tattoo?"

CLIENT:

"Hmmm... how about the time I went to jail?"

LaBELLO:
"Yep... That'll do."

CLIENT:

"Well... my first marriage wasn't working out.  My wife at the time and I separated and she filed the papers for divorce.  I started dating a girl and, in a drunken state, we got married.  I told my first wife right away... you know, to rub it in? - she then informed me that the joke was on ME because our divorce wasn't even final yet!  So I told my 'new wife' about it and we got an annulment right away.  Heh... we were married for almost 24 hours!"

LaBELLO:
"Heh heh..."

CLIENT:
"We ended up not getting along very well - my new/ex wife and me.  Later, a sheriff showed up at my door and arrested me - guess what happened?"

LaBELLO:
"What happened?"

CLIENT:
"She, my new/ex wife filed bigamy charges against me!"

LaBELLO:
"No way!"

CLIENT:
"YES!  And it's a felony in the State we lived in!  I was in the clink for a month waiting - then the judge gave me two years in prison!"

LaBELLO:
"Say wha!?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah... apparently, her family was in good with the judge - you know, one of those good ol' boy things..."

LaBELLO:
"...for bigamy... wow."

CLIENT:
"One time, this guy, another prisoner, asked me how much time I was serving... and, thinking two years was a pretty good haul, I told him... he looked at me like he wanted to eat me and told me he was in for life plus forty years!"

LaBELLO:
"Holy Bubby!"

CLIENT:
"Yeah... I learned pretty quick that you don't tell anyone how long you're in for.  The good thing though, at that time, the prisons were overcrowded, so some of us only had to serve half of our sentences... and also, if we served one quarter of that with good behavior, they would let us out.  So, since I was already in holding for a month, after eight weeks in the big house, the let me go."

LaBELLO:
"Lucky... I guess."

CLIENT:
"But now I have a felony on my record that I can't get expunged because I got it in one of the few States that won't overturn a decision without a Governor's pardon."

LaBELLO:
"You could appeal for one of those, couldn't you?  A Governor's pardon?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah... I've thought of doing that... on the other hand, it isn't really holding me back from anything - and I've worked for the State and I work at the hospital now... and I always disclose my record."

LaBELLO:
"Okay... all done here... check it out in the mirror."

CLIENT:
"Oh, yeah... that's nice... I can't even see the old tattoo under it."

LaBELLO:
"Cool... yeah, that's the whole point of a 'cover-up'..."

CLIENT:
"I can't wait to show my wife!"

LaBELLO:
"Which one?"

CLIENT:
"My new one, heh... though... we're not getting along so well right now."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Daddy's With Me Now'

2011-06-15T06:00:00.005-04:00

LaBELLO:

"You have a lot of work on you from the other place... looks like the style they do anyway.  Am I right?"

CLIENT:

"Yeah... he's done a lot of pieces on me."

LaBELLO:

"Cool.  So, if I may ask, why'd you come see 
me today?  Surely he's giving you some killer deals since you've done so much with him already?"

CLIENT:

"Yeah... well... I've been looking at your stuff online for a while, y'know?  And this piece I want today... I need someone who can do realistic work... know what I mean?  I like the guy at the other place okay, it's just... he kinda only has one style, y'know?  And this piece, I know you'll do it how I have it in my head..."

LaBELLO:
"Cool, well, thanks for giving me a try... this is a really interesting tattoo idea you have."

CLIENT:

"Yeah... it's to remember my father... he's dead now... he was a coal miner."

LaBELLO:

"Sorry to hear that..."

CLIENT:

"Well... I never was very close to him.  I was actually raised by my elderly Aunt."

LaBELLO:

"Elderly Aunt?"

CLIENT:

"Yeah... she was born in 1919."

LaBELLO:

"Wow."

CLIENT:

"My Aunt raised me... and she died when I was 15.  Then the system took me in... put me with foster families... I was kindofa hellion anyway, but I was always active and into sports and things... but when my Aunt died, I became a real hooligan... smoking pot, dropping out of sports, causing trouble... that sort of thing... didn't help that the foster parents they kept giving me to were always @$$holes... When I turned 18, I got my own apartment and actually hitchhiked to high school every morning..."

LaBELLO:

"So... now you can tell your kids that 'when I was your age, I HITCHHIKED through the snow to school every day!'"

CLIENT:
"Heh heh... yeah... I guess being a troublemaker was kinda in my blood..."

LaBELLO:

"How do you mean?"

CLIENT:

"Well, my mom and dad... they were always into bad stuff from what I hear... they didn't raise any of their kids.  When I graduated from high school, I didn't have any family... so I joined the Army.  After that, I got married and we have some beautiful girls now..."

LaBELLO:

"You made your own family."

CLIENT:

"Yeah."

LaBELLO:

"Is your mom still around?"

CLIENT:

"Yeah, but I don't have any contact with her... I hear that she's in a bad way... into drugs and such... actually, just recently, my sister found me... she found me and we've been in contact... I've even brought my girls over and we've been visiting... It's really... nice... you know?  She's a really cool person... and I'm happy to have her in my life now."

LaBELLO:

"Almost done here..."

CLIENT:

"This looks so awesome, man... I LOVE what you did with the design... made it better than I even thought it could be..."

LaBELLO:

"Okay... all done... hop up and check it out in the mirror for the full effect."

CLIENT:

"Wow... just wow, man... this is the best tattoo I have... I mean, by far!"

LaBELLO:
"You've come full circle now... from being all alone in this world, to starting your own family, to reuniting with your sister, and now forgiveness in the form of a tattoo."

CLIENT:

"That's it exactly, man... Daddy's with me now."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'World Famous Willie: the Origin of LaBello'

2011-06-08T06:00:00.005-04:00

CLIENT:

"So... I don't see any 'ink' on you... do you have any tattoos?"

LaBELLO:

"Not one."

CLIENT:

"Not one!?  Are you messin' with me?"

LaBELLO:

"Nope.  Not messin' with you."

CLIENT:

"Why?"

LaBELLO:

"Haven't decided what I want yet."

CLIENT:

"YOU are a TATTOO ARTIST with NO TATTOOS."

LaBELLO:

"Yep."

CLIENT:

"I have never met anyone who did tattoos but didn't have any himself... that's... kinda cool, actually."

LaBELLO:

"Neither have I... and thanks."

CLIENT:

"So... really, why don't you have any tattoos yet?  Most shops you walk in to, the guys have tattoos all over them..."

LaBELLO:

"Yeah... horrible horrible random tattoos all over them, right?"

CLIENT:

"Heh.. yeah... so why don't you have any?"

LaBELLO:

"I started in this industry a lot different than most people.  I was an illustrator for hire - working for magazines, comic books, doing portraits, that kinda thing..."

CLIENT:

"So, how did you get into tattooing, then?"

LaBELLO:

"My brother-in-law did a little tattooing on the side and had been inviting me to come watch how it's done for a while... a publisher pissed me off by not paying me what I was expecting and I finally took my brother-in-law up on his offer... and it looked like something I'd be in to, so I gathered some samples of my artwork and went to the closest tattoo shop."

CLIENT:

"And they gave you an apprenticeship?"

LaBELLO:

"Nah... that guy was a TOTAL @$$ to me... he pretty much met me at the door and told me he had enough losers looking for apprenticeships... I asked him if he wanted to at least look at the sample artwork that I brought... he said 'get lost'.  And, in my samples, I brought portraits that looked like photos, and all kinds of illustrations that I've actually been published for... he didn't even want to look."

CLIENT:

"What a douche'."

LaBELLO:

"Yeah... kinda bummed me out for a second... but then, and you're not going to believe this part of the story... as I was leaving the shop, this dude rides up to me on his Harley and says, 'Hey!... let me see your work.'  I was about to say something, but then he gives me this look that told me to just hand it over.  He had a shaven head and a wild mustache - looked sort of like a 'strong man' from some old timey circus, heh."

CLIENT:

"Heh."

LaBELLO:

"He closed the portfolio and threw it at me.  I caught it and he gestured to the shop I just walked out of and said 'you want to learn from a hack who didn't even finish his own apprenticeship... or do you want to learn from World Famous Willie?'  I think I said something profound like 'uh'.  And he said 'get on the bike'.

CLIENT:

"Wow... then what happened?"

LaBELLO:

"He took me all over America, introducing me to masters and teaching me things you can't learn on YouTube... even took me to Asia."

CLIENT:

"No way..."

LaBELLO:

"Way.  It wasn't just the art of tattooing that I learned from him... he showed me the medical side: what is happening to a person's body when he's being tattooed... how to heal the tattoo... what to look for... that kinda thing.  But the funny, ironic thing..."

CLIENT:

"Yeah?"

LaBELLO:

"...now I'm working in the same town, in direct competition with the very shop who didn't even want to look at my portfolio."

CLIENT:

"Hah!... incredible... want some more irony?"

LaBELLO:

"Yeah... what?"

CLIENT:

"This tattoo that you're doing a cover-up on right now..."

LaBELLO:

"Yeah?"

CLIENT:

"Guess where I got it."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'College Boy'

2011-06-07T06:00:00.002-04:00

CLIENT:

"Hey..."

LaBELLO:

"Hey.  Oh, HEY - it's YOU... I've called and called and left you messages."

CLIENT:

"Yeah... oh, hey... you know that $50 dollars I gave you?"

LaBELLO:

"You mean the $50 non-refundable art deposit you gave me for the four hours I put into the design that you never came in to check out even when I called and left several messages?  THAT $50?"

CLIENT:

"Yeah... see, I decided to go to college instead of getting the tattoo... so..."

LaBELLO:

"Really?"

CLIENT:

". . ."

LaBELLO:

"Really?"

CLIENT:

". . ."

LaBELLO:

"I mean... really?"

CLIENT:

"Yeah... so, like, can I get that $50 back?"

LaBELLO:

"So... you want the $50 non-refundable art deposit that you gave me for the four hours I put into the deign that you never came in to check out even when I called and left several messages?... so you can go to... college?"

CLIENT:

"Yeah."

LaBELLO:

"Sure!"

CLIENT:

"Really!?"

LaBELLO:

"No."

CLIENT:

"Oh."

LaBELLO:

". . ."

CLIENT:

"That's cool..."

LaBELLO:

"Cool."

CLIENT:

"Yeah, no problem."

LaBELLO:

"Hey..."

CLIENT:

"Yeah?"

LaBELLO:

"Sorry about college."

CLIENT:

". . ."

LaBELLO:

"Want to see the design now?"

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Laytex Allergy'

2011-06-06T06:00:00.002-04:00

LaBELLO:

"Okay... I know you've filled out and, ahem, 'thoroughly read' your paperwork..."

CLIENT:

"Uh... huh huh..."

LaBELLO:

"...but I still like to ask a few questions..."

CLIENT:

"Uh-kay."

LaBELLO:

"Have you been drinking in the last 24 hours, taken any aspirin, or taken any other medication or have any medical issues that would thin your blood?"

CLIENT:

"Nope."

LaBELLO:

"Okay... have..."

CLIENT:

"Wait... last 24 hours..."

LaBELLO:

". . ."

CLIENT counts half on his fingers and half in his head... client's pregnant girlfriend seems to start counting in her head as well.

CLIENT:

"Nope... we're good... heh."

LaBELLO:

"Okay... do you have any allergies to pigments..."

CLIENT:

"Nope."

LaBELLO:

"... to Dial soap..."

CLIENT:

"Nope."

LaBELLO:

"... or to Laytex?"

CLIENT:

"Nope.  We're all good, dude."

CLIENT'S PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND:

". . ."

CLIENT:

(looking at girlfriend)

"What?"

Client's girlfriend punches him in the shoulder HARD.

CLIENT:

"OW!  What was THAT for!?"

CLIENT'S PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND:

"Oh, so you're NOT allergic to Laytex ALL OF A SUDDEN!?!?"

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Baseball Battlefield'

2011-06-03T09:00:00.002-04:00

LaBELLO:

"Why do you want this tattoo?"

CLIENT:

"I've loved baseball all my life... when I played in school, the coach used to say 'a baseball is a battlefield', and that's what I believe."

LaBELLO:

"Have you had many battles?"

CLIENT:

"Well... it's what it reminds me of, really - the reason I wanted it.  My mom used to say to me, 'whatever you love will be your peace'... and I didn't know what that meant at the time, but I do now.  I love baseball and when I play it, I feel so free... like a bird... it is my peace... and my mom taught me that... she also taught me to not be scared... I live my life by the philosophy, 'don't let the fear of being struck out stop you from playing the game'... that's something she taught me too. "

LaBELLO:

"Sounds like a wise woman."

CLIENT:

"Yeah.  She's awesome.  I used to be really shy back in school... people can be not so nice to bigger guys like me, you know?"

LaBELLO:

"How do you mean?"

CLIENT:

"Well, let's just say that I had to learn to get over some things... and come out of my shell.  See, I have lots of friends that are little guys, y'know... and they're always sayin' to me, 'how'd you get that girl!?', 'cause I'm always gettin' hotter girls than they can get."

LaBELLO:

". . ."

CLIENT:

"...and I'm always tellin' 'em that the secret is to talk to girls as if they're real people..."

LaBELLO:

"AS IF they're real people, eh?"

CLIENT:
"Yeah..."

LaBELLO:

"Is that hard to do?... talk to a girl AS IF she is a REAL person?"

CLIENT:

"Naw... it's really easy, and that's what I try to tell my boys, y'know... just talk to them like they're real people and not just a piece of @$$ you're trying to land..."

LaBELLO:

"But... aren't you trying to 'land' that @$$ though?"

CLIENT:
"Heh heh, hell yeah!  But you gotta be smooth about it."

LaBELLO:

"Have any good @$$-landing stories to illustrate the effectiveness of your method for me?"

CLIENT:

"Well, this one time, back in school, I was working at a public pool with these two HOT twins..."

LaBELLO:
"Mmhmm."

CLIENT:
"These twins used to get hit on by everyone... and they turned everyone down... one day, they cornered me in the changing room after work..."

LaBELLO:

"Hhhh."

CLIENT:

"...and they asked me 'why don't you ever hit on us like all the other boys do?', and I said to them, 'why should I hit on you when everyone else does?'... and you know what?"

LaBELLO:

"No... what."

CLIENT:

"They started hanging out with me all the time after that... just like that."

LaBELLO:

"All because you spoke to them AS IF they were REAL people?"

CLIENT:

"Hell yeah!"

LaBELLO:

"So... I assume you... got you some 'twin' action, eh?"

CLIENT:

"You KNOW it!  But that's nothin'... this one time, in New York, I had triplets."

LaBELLO:

". . ."

CLIENT:

". . ."

LaBELLO:

"So... how did you learn this secret?  Who taught you..."

CLIENT:

"My mom... well, my mom and growing up with my sister and my grandmother."

LaBELLO:

"So, your mom, your sister, and your... grandmother... taught you that the secret to 'gettin' @$$ is to talk to them AS IF they're REAL people?"

CLIENT:

"Yeah... they really set me on the right path, y'know?"

LaBELLO:

"Clearly... seems you learned a lot from your mom... she taught you to go for the gold..."

CLIENT:

"Yep."

LaBELLO:

"...to follow your heart and find your 'peace'..."

CLIENT:

"Yep."

LaBELLO:

"...and to never ever, no matter what, to never give up on your dreams..."

CLIENT:

"Yep... and I never will."

LaBELLO:

"So, where are you going after this?"

CLIENT:

"I have to go deliver a pizza."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Gimme Strenth'

2011-06-02T17:42:00.002-04:00

LaBELLO:

"You were saying, this tattoo design means a lot to you?"

CLIENT:

"Yeh... you know... this here gimme strenth, you know?  I mean, like, it give me power to look down and, like, see it on me, you know?  KnowhatI'msayin', you know, I been thru ups, I been down... way down, you know... like at the bottom and stuff... and this tattoo, knowhatI'msayin', this here is going to remind me of where I been, where I'm going to... it's gonna remind me of the hardships I been thru, the sacrifices my moms been thru when she had to raise me on her own, knowhatI'msayin', 'cause she did'n have it easy... by any means... I mean, she hadda deal with me, first of all... heh... but seriously tho, she... she, you know, she had an addiction she hadda work thru... and she had to support us all by herself.  KnowhatI'msayin', she didn't have no kinda help... So, this tattoo, you know, is to say 'thank you', you know, to my moms... to all she did for me, you know... she's my mom, and she did good, you know?  I mean, look at me, heh heh, I'm doin' good, right?  Heh heh.

LaBELLO:

"So, you want to tattoo 'BIG PIMPIN' on your neck... to thank your moms?"

CLIENT:

"Yeh... heh heh, tight, right?"

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Dear Dead Dog'

2011-06-02T09:44:00.003-04:00

LaBELLO:

"So, tell me why you want this butterfly.  What does it mean to you?"

CLIENT:

"It's to remember my dog.  She died."

LaBELLO:

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."

CLIENT:

"Yep... she was my best friend.  She died.  Been through a divorce, but my dog and me stayed friends, y'know?"

LaBELLO:

"It's good that you kept a relationship with your dog... sometimes there are mixed feelings after a divorce.  Ménage à trois like that have destroyed many a relationship."

CLIENT:

"I don't speak no Spanish."

LaBELLO:

"How did your dog die?"

CLIENT:

"I think my brother shot 'er..."

LaBELLO:

". . ."

CLIENT:

"...with his BB gun."

LaBELLO:

"Your brother... killed your dog... with a BB gun?"

CLIENT:

"OH YEAH... she was pert near 13 years old."

LaBELLO:

"Wow... that's 91 in dog years, eh?"

CLIENT:

"Wha?  No, I said she was 13."

LaBELLO:

". . ."

CLIENT:

". . ."

LaBELLO:

"Why do you think your brother would shoot your dog?"

CLIENT:

"Oh.  Cause he was mad at me.

LaBELLO:

". . ."

CLIENT:

"Heh heh."

LaBELLO:

". . ."

CLIENT:

"What?"

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Deer Smasher'

2011-06-01T09:00:00.003-04:00

LaBELLO:

"I'm assuming that you like to hunt?"

CLIENT:

"Yeah... and this design you created for me is perfect... it's different from anything any of my buddies have... they'll be jealous!"

LaBELLO:

"Cool... you ever use that apple-scented stuff when you hunt?  Does that stuff work?"

CLIENT:

"Yeah... but I usually use one that smells like dirt."

LaBELLO:

"You ever use the deer urine stuff?"

CLIENT:

"Oh yeah... never again, though!"

LaBELLO:

"Why?  What happened?"

CLIENT:

"I was looking at the pictures on my camera up in my deer stand one time - not paying attention to the ground since it was getting dark and I was about to head home... so I climbed down the tree, turned around, and there were two does standing there... just lookin' at me."

LaBELLO:

"Uh oh."

CLIENT:

"Yeah... I've heard stories of people being mauled by deer... so I just stood still, hoping the deer would just move on, you know... but they didn't... they just kept circling the area.  After a while, I said 'screw this', and just started walking... I figured my movement would be enough to scare them away... but the does just started following me."

LaBELLO:

"So, you were doused with deer estrogen and the does were following you?  Did they think you were a rival doe or something?"

CLIENT:

"Yeah... and the estrogen wasn't from a local breed of deer either..."

LaBELLO:

"So... they thought you were some exotic-looking female deer threatening their chances at hoochie-catching their bucks?  Well of COURSE they were mad!"

CLIENT:

"Yeah... and I started speeding up and they started speeding up... I managed to get over a ridge and down a steep spot and away from them though... they stood there at the ridge just watching me as I left."

LaBELLO:

"Do you think it would have turned out differently if you just thought to explain the situation to them?"

CLIENT:

"Huh?"

LaBELLO:

"Have any other hunting stories?"

CLIENT:

"Heh... yeah... this one time, a buddy and me were bow-hunting.  I shot one and he ran off... I waited to see if my buddy was going to get one before getting down and tracking mine.  After a while, we left our bows in the stand and started to track my deer... it was an eight-point.  Well, we found it still standing there... pissed off and very alive.  Well, we didn't have our bows with us, so I decided that I was going to grab a log and... this is going to sound cruel... I was going to smash it with a log.  So, I grabbed a large log and hit it really hard!  That buck jumped straight up into the air and then charged at us!  We barely dodged it!  I wanted to try it again, so I grabbed a larger and harder log this time.  Well, I smashed that deer so hard on the skull that I broke a point off of its rack and slammed its head all the way into the ground! 

LaBELLO:

"Wow."

CLIENT:

"Yeah... and damned if that buck didn't jump into the air again!  This time, it landed right on top of us!  We barely got away from it without getting mangled!"

LaBELLO:

"Did you... try it again?"

CLIENT:

"Nah... we decided to go back for the bows at that point."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Ex Cons, Old Ladies, and Bears, OH MY!'

2011-05-31T09:50:00.003-04:00

CLIENT:

"Our house just got broken into."

LaBELLO:

"Ooh... that sucks."

CLIENT:

"Yeah... and my old lady's ex husband just got outta jail the DAY BEFORE."

LaBELLO:

"Are the police looking into him?"

CLIENT:

"Oh yeah... and they stole everything... tvs, computers, our wedding rings, speakers, the gaming system we had in the living room..."

LaBELLO:

"Everything... wow..."

CLIENT:

"Well, almost everything... see, my stepson, which is the ex con's son... his room wasn't messed with at all... his door was unlocked... he has an XBOX and a laptop and stuff... his room wasn't even touched."

LaBELLO:

"That's a lot of stuff to haul.  Do they think he had help?"

CLIENT:

"Oh yeah... he hadto'of.  Also, later that day, I was sittin' on my porch, stewin' over it, and this truck pulls up and two big guys jump out and start walkin' toward my house... I put the baseball bat over my shoulder that they didn't see I was already holding.  They said, "whatchyou gonna do with that thar baseball bat?" and I said, "whydon'tchya come up here and SEE what I'ma gonna do with this here baseball bat!"

LaBELLO:

"Heh..."

CLIENT:

"Yeah... and that's when they announced themselves as 'police' and said they got an 'anonymous' tip that I had some marijuana starter plants in my kitchen...  so I invited them in to see for themselves.  And you know what they found?"

LaBELLO:

"I give up.  What did they find?"

CLIENT:

"They found my tomato plants."

LaBELLO:

"Ah.  Can you smoke those?"

CLIENT:

"Yeah... no... what?... so, anyhow, I asked them, I said "I know you're not supposed to tell me who called in the tip, but, who called this in?" and guess what they said!"

LaBELLO:

"I am on the edge of my seat... really... what did they say?"

CLIENT:

"My old lady's ex husband... the ex con that just got outta prison!  HE'S the one who called!"

LaBELLO:

"Ah... and he'd only know that there were 'plants' in your kitchen if he was in there robbing the place, right?"

CLIENT:

"EX-ACTLY!"

LaBELLO:

"Being burglarized can have some psychological effects that people don't expect... you can feel violated, paranoid, unsafe... you'll catch yourself getting short of temper for no reason... know what I mean?"

CLIENT:

"Yeah... I never thought about that... you know what? - I spent the entire day today apologizing to my wife and kids for yelling so much lately... couldn't figure out why I've been that way... now it kinda makes sense..."

LaBELLO:

"We really have no control over what happens to us in this life.  Best thing to do is realize that... let go of our illusion of control... live in the 'acceptance' stage... then we can begin to live each day like it's our last... live to the fullest."

CLIENT:

"Yeah... wow... yeah..."

LaBELLO:

"Okay... all done here... want to check it out in the mirror?"

CLIENT:

"Holy $#!#, it's awesome!  Thank you!  And... thank you."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Bever Fieber'

2011-05-30T14:23:00.003-04:00

INT. TATTOO BOOTH - NIGHT

LABELLO is two hours into a four-hour session.  The CLIENT, a burly no-nonsense construction worker, is starting to feel the tattoo.  He looks around, trying to distract himself from the pain.  His attention lands on LABELLO, noticing the bare arms of the artist tattooing him.

CLIENT:

SO... UH... WHERE'S YOUR INK?

LaBELLO:
MY INK?

CLIENT

YEAH... HOW MANY TATTOOS DO YOU HAVE?  

DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS?

LABELLO

NOT ONE

CLIENT

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY TATTOOS, BUT YOU TATTOO!?

LABELLO

YEP

CLIENT

THAT'S DIFFER'NT

LaBello stops tattooing.

CLIENT

. . . 

LABELLO

SHOULD I KEEP GOING?

CLIENT

HELL YEAH YOU SHOULD KEEP GOING! - LOOKS BAD ASS!

LABELLO

COOL

LaBello resumes tattooing.  Client's eyes again dart around the room for something to distract him.

LABELLO

YOU KNOW... I THINK IT'S FUNNY THAT 

YOU NOTICED I DON'T HAVE ANY TATTOOS...

LABELLO

(continued)

... BUT YOU DIDN'T NOTICE THAT I'M WEARING 

A JUSTIN BIEBER T-SHIRT

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Mrs. Ty'

2011-05-26T18:53:00.003-04:00

CLIENT:

"Wow, you guys have a lot of designs and whatnot... on the walls and such... pretty pretty pretty... I like this place... big, pretty... look at this... oh, and, ooh, that's nice... walk walk walk, that's what I do... pretty much... yep... here and there... yep... I don't know I don't know I don't know... ooh, that's pretty too... and such... yes... yep..."

LaBELLO:

". . ."

CLIENT:

"I like your gumballs."

LaBELLO:

". . ."

CLIENT:

". . ."

LaBELLO:

"Thanks."

CLIENT:

". . ."

LaBELLO:

"Can I design something for you today?"

CLIENT:

"Yep... uh... lookin' for a tattoo... I want it here, on my ankle... yeah... yep, here.. and... walking walking walking... yep... huh huh huh... I want my husbands name... yep... right here... right there... uhp uhp... right here... his name's 'Ty'... but I want the 'y' dotted like an 'i'... yeah... huh huh huh..."

LaBELLO:

". . ."

CLIENT:

"See, we... he... don't... see... don't know how to spell his name, exactly... it's either 'T-Y' or 'T-I'... yep... probably... yep... so I want to dot the 'y' like it's an 'i'... yep... see... he lost his birth certificate, so I don't know how to spell his name..."

LaBELLO:

"Hmmm... maybe 'he' knows how to spell it... ya think?"

CLIENT:

"Maybe maybe maybe... yeah yeah yeah... but he died."

LaBELLO:

"Oh, I'm sorr..."

CLIENT:

"... or he left me... I don't know... one of the two... he disappeared seventeen years ago... yep... huh huh huh..."

LaBELLO:

"Okay, that's no problem... I can draw something up for you right away!"

CLIENT:

"You... uh... probably think I'm crazy... don't ya... think I'm crazy... I'm crazy, right?"

LaBELLO:

"I like you... so you must be!  What do you think of this?"

CLIENT:

"Oh... that's it.. exactly what I wanted..."

LaBELLO:

"Excellent... are you ready?"

CLIENT:

"Yes... I am... ready."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Steven'

2011-05-26T09:08:00.003-04:00

CLIENT:

"Hi, I was wanting to get a price on tattooing a name on my forearm."

LaBELLO:

"Cool.  What name?"

CLIENT:

"Steven."

LaBELLO:

"With a 'ph' or a 'v'?"

CLIENT:

"V... yeah."

LaBELLO:

"And did you have an idea of what style of writing you want?"

CLIENT:

"Nah... I was going to just leave that to you... you're the artist, heh."

LaBELLO:

"Would you like to put any color in it?  Like the color of his birth stone, or does Steven have a favorite color?"

CLIENT:

"Um... I don't know... whatever you think... I don't know his birth stone..."

LaBELLO:

"Steven... IS your son, right?"

CLIENT:

"No... he's my fiance'..."

LaBELLO:

". . ."

CLIENT:

"...but I don't think he's EVER going to marry me."

LaBELLO:

"I just punched you in the face... in my head."

Tattoo Confessionals: 'My Dad is Not My Father'

2011-05-25T10:41:00.003-04:00

LaBELLO:

"So, a long-stemmed rose and a piston, crossing in an 'X' pattern... what's the significance of this tattoo?"

CLIENT:

"I was having all kinds of psychological issues, y'know? - mood swings, insomnia, and when I did finally get some sleep, I was having these dreams about being attacked... violently... and sexually.   My husband basically told me to shake it off... as if I was whining about taking a hit at football practice or something... the bastard.  I didn't know what to do, so I spoke to my mom about it - she and my dad have always been my best friends.  When I mentioned the dreams, my mom just fell apart... she had a confession to make.  'Dad' was not my real father.  My mother took me away from him when she realized what he had been doing to her little girl.  She made him disappear from our lives to the point of never telling me about him.  She meant to, she said... but the time never seemed right to her.  She loves her roses... the rose is to show her that I love her and want to keep her with me forever.  I want her to know that I don't blame her and I understand why it was so difficult to tell me what happened."

LaBELLO:

"And the piston?"

CLIENT:

"My Dad loves working on cars.  The piston... I want to reassure my Dad that my love for him will never change.  He is SO depressed right now... so scared that I'll be angry with him for not telling me the truth all these years.  He thinks that I won't love him the same any more, but he is the only Dad I've ever had... and the only Dad I will ever want.  Heh, he knows I'm getting the rose for Mom, but he doesn't know anything about the piston yet!  I'm going to surprise him."

LaBELLO:

"Hold still for a minute... putting his initials on the piston now..."

CLIENT:

"My husband is so pissed that I'm getting another tattoo... he's so controlling.  But I don't care... because NOW I know that everything we do in life is a choice... even taking $#!% from someone... and we don't have to take it if we don't want... y'know?  I think I'm going to give him the 'shape up or ship out' talk when I get home...  What do you think?"

LaBELLO:

"I think you are awake now... and I think we're all finished... check it out in the mirror and tell me what you think."

CLIENT:

"Oh... it is so beautiful... thank you!  They are going to love it, I just know it!"

Tattoo Confessionals: 'Tex'

2011-05-24T12:49:00.003-04:00

LaBELLO: 

"You used to be a cop?  Seems like all the cops around here were the bullies when I was in school..."

CLIENT: 

"Yeah... Funny enough, I used to be a bit of a bully in school too.  Well... maybe not a 'bully'.  I liked to push peoples buttons, pick on them and such... whatever that's called."

LaBELLO: 

"A bully."

CLIENT: 

"Well, that all stopped pretty abruptly."

LaBELLO: 

"What made you 'stop' bullying?"

CLIENT: 

"There was this kid in High School: a total nobody.  He used to wear those cowboy-looking shirts with the filigrees on the shoulders... I called him 'Tex'.  To this day, I still don't know what his name was... I just called him 'Tex'.  I was flunking algebra, but Tex was an A student - I figured that if I flunked the tests but got A's on my homework, I'd end up with a C.  Sometimes Tex would stand up to me and I would have to smack him around a bit to get him to give up his homework.  I used to pick on him really bad.  One day, Tex didn't show up at school and I was PISSED.  I mean, Tex KNEW how much I relied on his homework to pass that class... I remember how angry I was... I was going to hunt that little bastard down and beat his ass!  The next day, I found out the reason Tex missed school.  Tex's father had come home drunk and beat Tex to death with a baseball bat."

LaBELLO:

"Wow."

CLIENT:

"Yeah... I think about it a lot still... imagine that he maybe tried to stand up to his father the way he tried to stand up to me when I wanted his homework... I think about how I was doing the same thing to him that his father was doing... I think about that a lot.  And it wasn't even a blip."

LaBELLO:

"What do you mean, 'a blip'?"

CLIENT:

"Like it wasn't even a blip on the radar: no one knew him or cared about him past the fun of spreading the gossip about it.  There was no counselor making rounds to offer comfort to the student body, there was no mourning... he was just... a blip."

LaBELLO:

"Almost done here..."

CLIENT:

"Two months later, when two cheerleaders wrecked while joyriding and one of them died, the whole school was shut down."

LaBELLO:

"Okay, we're all done.  Check it out in the mirror and tell me what you think."

CLIENT:

"Oh, MAN!  Holy $#!@, man, that is AWESOME!  I am going to get SO much @$$ with this tat!"